Merry Christmas

I just finished placing all the presents under the tree and realized I left my camera at my sister in laws. Bummer. But the kids (and Jason) are asleep and I'm watching the Young and the Restless. A woman on there is celebratilng her first Christmas since her Mother "died", you know she isn't really dead, but I feel that woman's pain. The pain is so fresh. Still. I thought once the firsts were over, it got easier?

Tuesday as Jonathan and I were on our way to daycare and an ambulance went flying past us and he asked me where they were going. I told him he was going to help someone who was hurt. I thought to myself, "If it isn't too late. Like it was for my mom. I hope it isn't too late for this person." That started me on missing my mom terribly, again.

Last year I obviously had my mind consumed with a new baby, a new sick baby. I remember how sick and sad little Z was. He barely ate and was so tiny and weak. I remember Christmas Day I called the pediatrician's exchange but was basically told just to wait until his appt. the next day to see what she thought. That is when our world turned upside down. I didn't have time to think about missing my mom or time to allow myself to grieve properly. I think that is why this year it finally hit me...no more Christmases with my Mom. It's like losing her all over again.

I pretty much lost it today and had my breakdown. Jonathan and Jason were very good to me. I realized what I have this year...a great husband, 2 healthy boys, a job, a house and a wonderful family and some pretty terrific friends. No I don't have my mom here but I know she is watching over me, protecting us.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your heart be light and may you find time to enjoy your holiday and forget all your cares.

He's Four!

I am a few days late but I am still in shock that my baby is 4 years old. Four. He is no longer a toddler, he is a preschooler. In all honesty, he is 4 going on 20. He can be such a sweet little caring boy and then he can be, well a 4 year old. I love that kid and every year on his birthday I will sit back and reflect the details of his birth. Such an amazing day and so much fun.

I remember on Thursday, Dec. 16th I had an 8am appointment for an NST and fluid check. My fluid had been low. I was 39wks. I had already had one week off work and was ready to finish this appointment and head to the mall to do some walking and try and get the baby to want to come out. My induction was scheduled for Christmas Eve. I had one week to get this baby out. All the nurses at my hospital were on strike. So many people encouraged me to go to another hospital, but I refused. I remember that JD did so well during the NST and the nurses and I chatted about the holidays. I was sent off for the ultra sound to check the fluid. The technician told me to stay put and that she was going to get the doctor because she felt I may need to be induced. What?! Doctor agreed and I was told to call my husband. I called Jason and I remember asking him, while on the verge of tears, if he was ready to be a Daddy. His response was, "well I guess so!". I was whisked off to the hospital and while in the wheel chair I was asking the nurse, please let me go home and get my bag and shave my legs! I live 10 miles away! Please!". She laughed and told me nope and that no one was concerned about my hairy legs. No one but me!!!

By 10 am Jason was there and I was hooked up (after 3 or 4 attempts) to an IV of pitocin and we were ready to get this show on the road! Of course little Jonathan wasn't ready to come out until 10 am the next day. Should have known he'd be a stubborn one! I remember my sister Debbie was there all night with me. So many friends came to see me. It was wonderful. I also remember that Mom, Dad and Linda were the first ones to come up after he was born. They got to watch him get a bath.

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you and I am so very proud of you!