It's not me

I got the call today that the genetics test they did for me came back normal. I do not have NS.

Now we determine if we have Jason tested. My pocket tells me no way. Zacharys test cost $1700 and mine cost $300. Is it worth it? I mean the stress of having to pay another $300 to find out if the NS was passed down or if it was a spontaneous mutation is probably going to cause more problems then the results would. I mean what will it solve by finding out if the NS was passed down? Nothing. Nothing will change and the only thing to come from it is that we will now have paid (well in our case owe) a total of $12,400 in medical bills since Jan. 2009 rather than $12,100. I don't need that.

In fact, I shouldn't have done the test on me. I should have just accepted the fact that my son is just who he is and for some reason he was chosen by God to have NS and we will continue to accept him, love him and help him as best we can. He is our gift and it is time to stop questioning it and just accept the diagnosis and move on.

I'm sure in the next few days I will get yet another bill in the mail and this time I will feel like I just wasted $300 we don't have because quite frankly that's what it was. If it was a test to help one of my boys, obviously it would not have been wasted and I would feel this way.

I try to be realistic about it all and tell myself that we don't have it so bad and that yes, it could be worse. But when I sit in my living room with all the medical bills it becomes overwhelming. They all want a minimum of $25 a month or they will send us to collections. Are you serious? I owe 5 companies over $500 each and I can't afford $125 a month plus regular appts and my prescriptions. I mean seriously, give me a freakin' break people! I am tired of making phone calls, explaining my situation and asking to make some sort of arrangement. It's exhausting and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful and overjoyed that my buddy is ok but I can still be frustrated, right? If not, too bad cus I am. We have cut nearly all expenses that we can and maxed out credit cards paying these bills and still owe $3,000 in bills. I think we'll make it, one day and I pray that one day we can look back and talk about how hard times were and how many ramen noodle dinners we ate. But you know what, even though I stress over what bills to pay next and what cheap meals to make, I would do this all again and a million times over if it meant having my Zachary here with us. Yes we are lucky, even if we can't answer our phone because we don't have money to pay the person on the other end. It will be okay, right?