I made a decision last week to return to Dr. Kate as her patient. It is about a 30 minute drive but I just haven't had the comfort level with any of the other doctors in the office. Once I called and set up the appointment, it was a huge relief. It's funny how other people can see things you are going through and you still can't...no matter how many times they tell you or how many people tell you.
I saw my endocrinologist and was finally put on cholesterol medicine. I tried to talk to her about my chest pains and anxiety but I couldn't. She referred me to my primary doctor and encouraged me to talk to them as she could tell my anxiety level was very high. So I've been told! I have been having chest pains for a few weeks. I do not think it is my heart nor do I think I am depressed, I just can not stop and relax. I have try and get it all done and if I can't, I get angry with myself. People say, "I don't know how you do it" but you see it is what it is and I don't think I am doing anything more than anyone else. This is life. This is my life. I am blessed, so very blessed and I should be happy and enjoying it. I am happy (I think), I am just not taking care of myself or to be honest, enjoying much. No I don't want a pity party and I don't want to be a martyr. I am just stating the facts. I know I have it good but for some reason, I can not get my mind to slow down and allow myself to relax and enjoy. Yes I have stress...work, home, money, kids and making it all work together and keeping everyone happy. Everyone but myself.
Little did I know that the old saying is true...If Momma ain't happy, no one is! Well Momma really isn't happy. When I saw Dr. Kate today it was like seeing an old friend and I felt safe. She was honest with me and I think she thought I was still in a bit of denial about anxiety. And I think I was too. She reminded me that if I were to look back over the last 3 years, I had dealt with a LOT of stuff. I knew that but other people deal wth a lot of stuff too. But yes, I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of not being able to relax and enjoy my beautiful family. I am tired of yelling and my kids and not talking to my husband because I focus on house work. I am tired of not taking care of myself and feeling run down. I agreed to try some medicine and see if it can help. I need something to help balance me out and I pray this does the trick. I kept thinking I had to make my own happiness but I don't even know how to do that. My calendar is full of appointments for Zachary and every year I say it will be less appointments the next year but then something else comes up. I am just trying to fix everyone else in my house and take care of them and I still feel like I am not doing enough. It's a silly circle of guilt!
Well it is time to stop the guilt, do what I can for my family but to make sure I do something for me and take time to stop and smell the roses before I miss out on the beautiful things in front of me. I hope all of you will slow down a bit too.
My choice in returning to Dr. Kate was a great one!
