After my breakdown on Christmas Eve, Jason suggested we go and see my Mom's grave. He had his mom pick up some flowers for us and after all the presents were opened and the boys settled down, we headed out to the cemetery. It was muddy and Jonathan fell asleep on the way. I took Zachary up to meet her and we laid some flowers on her grave. Jason and Jonathan appeared shortly after. It was nice to let Zachary meet his grandma. It still seems so very unreal but it was a good day! The house was full of our entire family...2 nieces and 2 nephews were all that were missing (and their spouses/kids) so we had well over 50 people in the house. Wow! I am sure Mom loved seeing that. It was so crazy.
Yesterday Jonathan and I went to see my Dad. We went to the mall with him to get a new cell phone and to look around for a laptop. He of course went to Cabela's and bought him a fishing pole. It made me think of when he was in the hospital right before their anniversary party and I took Mom to see him. She said something about an item she bought (maybe a magazine) and he told her she had too many. I was only half listening and then I heard her say something about him and his fishing poles. And here he was, buying another one! We then went to Steak N Shake and it all felt so right. Usually it was Mom I went to the mall with and then we immediately figured out where we would eat at. It was our favorite thing to do. It felt so right doing those things with my Dad. I got to create new memories with my Dad and so did Jonathan.
Dad drank a strawberry shake and told us he hadn't had one in forever! He drank the entire thing. I think he was happy (and full). We headed back to his house and Jonathan and him played with his fishing pole. Again, it was a good day.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
I just finished placing all the presents under the tree and realized I left my camera at my sister in laws. Bummer. But the kids (and Jason) are asleep and I'm watching the Young and the Restless. A woman on there is celebratilng her first Christmas since her Mother "died", you know she isn't really dead, but I feel that woman's pain. The pain is so fresh. Still. I thought once the firsts were over, it got easier?
Tuesday as Jonathan and I were on our way to daycare and an ambulance went flying past us and he asked me where they were going. I told him he was going to help someone who was hurt. I thought to myself, "If it isn't too late. Like it was for my mom. I hope it isn't too late for this person." That started me on missing my mom terribly, again.
Last year I obviously had my mind consumed with a new baby, a new sick baby. I remember how sick and sad little Z was. He barely ate and was so tiny and weak. I remember Christmas Day I called the pediatrician's exchange but was basically told just to wait until his appt. the next day to see what she thought. That is when our world turned upside down. I didn't have time to think about missing my mom or time to allow myself to grieve properly. I think that is why this year it finally hit me...no more Christmases with my Mom. It's like losing her all over again.
I pretty much lost it today and had my breakdown. Jonathan and Jason were very good to me. I realized what I have this year...a great husband, 2 healthy boys, a job, a house and a wonderful family and some pretty terrific friends. No I don't have my mom here but I know she is watching over me, protecting us.
Merry Christmas everyone. May your heart be light and may you find time to enjoy your holiday and forget all your cares.
Tuesday as Jonathan and I were on our way to daycare and an ambulance went flying past us and he asked me where they were going. I told him he was going to help someone who was hurt. I thought to myself, "If it isn't too late. Like it was for my mom. I hope it isn't too late for this person." That started me on missing my mom terribly, again.
Last year I obviously had my mind consumed with a new baby, a new sick baby. I remember how sick and sad little Z was. He barely ate and was so tiny and weak. I remember Christmas Day I called the pediatrician's exchange but was basically told just to wait until his appt. the next day to see what she thought. That is when our world turned upside down. I didn't have time to think about missing my mom or time to allow myself to grieve properly. I think that is why this year it finally hit me...no more Christmases with my Mom. It's like losing her all over again.
I pretty much lost it today and had my breakdown. Jonathan and Jason were very good to me. I realized what I have this year...a great husband, 2 healthy boys, a job, a house and a wonderful family and some pretty terrific friends. No I don't have my mom here but I know she is watching over me, protecting us.
Merry Christmas everyone. May your heart be light and may you find time to enjoy your holiday and forget all your cares.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
He's Four!
I am a few days late but I am still in shock that my baby is 4 years old. Four. He is no longer a toddler, he is a preschooler. In all honesty, he is 4 going on 20. He can be such a sweet little caring boy and then he can be, well a 4 year old. I love that kid and every year on his birthday I will sit back and reflect the details of his birth. Such an amazing day and so much fun.
I remember on Thursday, Dec. 16th I had an 8am appointment for an NST and fluid check. My fluid had been low. I was 39wks. I had already had one week off work and was ready to finish this appointment and head to the mall to do some walking and try and get the baby to want to come out. My induction was scheduled for Christmas Eve. I had one week to get this baby out. All the nurses at my hospital were on strike. So many people encouraged me to go to another hospital, but I refused. I remember that JD did so well during the NST and the nurses and I chatted about the holidays. I was sent off for the ultra sound to check the fluid. The technician told me to stay put and that she was going to get the doctor because she felt I may need to be induced. What?! Doctor agreed and I was told to call my husband. I called Jason and I remember asking him, while on the verge of tears, if he was ready to be a Daddy. His response was, "well I guess so!". I was whisked off to the hospital and while in the wheel chair I was asking the nurse, please let me go home and get my bag and shave my legs! I live 10 miles away! Please!". She laughed and told me nope and that no one was concerned about my hairy legs. No one but me!!!
By 10 am Jason was there and I was hooked up (after 3 or 4 attempts) to an IV of pitocin and we were ready to get this show on the road! Of course little Jonathan wasn't ready to come out until 10 am the next day. Should have known he'd be a stubborn one! I remember my sister Debbie was there all night with me. So many friends came to see me. It was wonderful. I also remember that Mom, Dad and Linda were the first ones to come up after he was born. They got to watch him get a bath.
Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you and I am so very proud of you!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Yes Virgina, there IS a Santa Claus!
And we met him! I am convinced that the man on the train ride we went on was Santa. No one can tell me differently. While Jonathan saw Santa arrive on the train, he slept the rest of the ride. Darn it! It's okay, he really didn't like Santa anyway and never has. Zachary, who has never met a stranger, loves the jolly old man. He adored him. I remember Jonathan always had this sour puss look on his face and would only smile if he felt you were worthy. Little stinker. While Zachary will make eye contact with everyone he meets and stare at them and smile until they can't refuse and cave in and smile back. It is his mission to make people smile. I love how different they are!
Now you tell me, isn't this the REAL Santa? Part of me wanted to sit on his lap tell him my Christmas wishes and dreams.
Now you tell me, isn't this the REAL Santa? Part of me wanted to sit on his lap tell him my Christmas wishes and dreams.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Come on already!
Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong with my pictures and why they are not showing up right????
Z had an appointment with a Neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I drive to the medical park that is on the reminder appt card only to find out I needed to be at the Children's Hospital downtown. No, if I drove down there they wouldn't let me in to see the doctor because I would be late. Really? Glad your people screwed up and I have to be punished for it! Oh they can get us in in January? Wow that is customer service...thanks! No, I'm not being a smartass! Really I'm not!
Z has had a cough for 3 weeks now. I tried to convince myself it was just a cold. Then JD woke up last Sat. at 3am screaming for me to call Dr. Kate as his ear hurt (he loves her). I took both boys in and Z has bronchitis and JD has a double ear infection. Z is on new meds now and we are hoping it kicks his bronchitis.
Not only was a mean mom that had her baby get shots on his first birthday, I get to take him back the week of Christmas for more shots. I'm such a cool mom and I know all the kids are jealous and hope their mom will do the same thing for them!
Good news:
Jason's cousin Jarrin's brain tumor had not spread to his spine. He started radiation and had a rough time. Hopefully he can get some meds to help with that.
Bad news:
My uncle was diagnosed with bladder cancer. It doesn't appear to be good. My heart breaks for his family.
Z had an appointment with a Neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I drive to the medical park that is on the reminder appt card only to find out I needed to be at the Children's Hospital downtown. No, if I drove down there they wouldn't let me in to see the doctor because I would be late. Really? Glad your people screwed up and I have to be punished for it! Oh they can get us in in January? Wow that is customer service...thanks! No, I'm not being a smartass! Really I'm not!
Z has had a cough for 3 weeks now. I tried to convince myself it was just a cold. Then JD woke up last Sat. at 3am screaming for me to call Dr. Kate as his ear hurt (he loves her). I took both boys in and Z has bronchitis and JD has a double ear infection. Z is on new meds now and we are hoping it kicks his bronchitis.
Not only was a mean mom that had her baby get shots on his first birthday, I get to take him back the week of Christmas for more shots. I'm such a cool mom and I know all the kids are jealous and hope their mom will do the same thing for them!
Good news:
Jason's cousin Jarrin's brain tumor had not spread to his spine. He started radiation and had a rough time. Hopefully he can get some meds to help with that.
Bad news:
My uncle was diagnosed with bladder cancer. It doesn't appear to be good. My heart breaks for his family.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Another daughter without a Mom
Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend M that her Mom passed away. My heart broke into a million pieces. Flashbacks of my own Mother's death came flooding back into my mind and heart. Even though I have been in her shoes I had no idea what to say for her. I was speechless. I knew that nothing I did or said could help her at that moment. I told her that I know it hurts so much and it will for a while and to allow herself to feel her pain and sadness.
I cried on the phone with her and a long time after we hung up.
Mrs. H was a special woman. When my own Mother got sick she would email me or have M ask me about my mom and she would light candles for her. When Mom died, she sent me a card and told me if I needed anything then to call her. When Z got sick, she again lit candles for him, said prayers for him and asked about him a lot. The last time I saw her was in June when I had a purse party. Mrs. H was so chipper all the time and so kind and caring. She was the type of person that you wanted to hug you because you knew it was a real hug and so full of love. I remember she held Z that night and just sat there holding him. I know she loved the babies and kids. I wish I had taken my kids to see her more. She called me a few weeks after that to see how we were doing and if I needed anything.
I get so busy in my own life that I forget to reach out to others that may need me. I know we all do it but how do we stop it?
When my mom died and then Z got sick, I learned what it is like to be on the receiving end of needing prayers. I was so use to being the one that said prayers for people that I had no idea what to say to people in need or people suffering. Unfortunately most of the time I said/did nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. I now know that sometimes hearing "I'm thinking of you" is all a person needs. An "I'm praying for you" means more than you could imagine when it is said to you.
I hope that I can be as good of a friend to M during this difficult time that she has been to me. M if you ever read this, I love you sweetie and will always be here for you.
Mrs. H, I can picture you and my Mom up in heaven talking about your kids and grandkids. I can see you both shaking your heads and laughing at things your kids have done. Give my mom a hug for me. I'm sorry you had to go so soon. You left your mark in this world and the skies are a bit brighter tonight because you are shining down on us.
Hug your Mother and be kind to others, life is too short.
I cried on the phone with her and a long time after we hung up.
Mrs. H was a special woman. When my own Mother got sick she would email me or have M ask me about my mom and she would light candles for her. When Mom died, she sent me a card and told me if I needed anything then to call her. When Z got sick, she again lit candles for him, said prayers for him and asked about him a lot. The last time I saw her was in June when I had a purse party. Mrs. H was so chipper all the time and so kind and caring. She was the type of person that you wanted to hug you because you knew it was a real hug and so full of love. I remember she held Z that night and just sat there holding him. I know she loved the babies and kids. I wish I had taken my kids to see her more. She called me a few weeks after that to see how we were doing and if I needed anything.
I get so busy in my own life that I forget to reach out to others that may need me. I know we all do it but how do we stop it?
When my mom died and then Z got sick, I learned what it is like to be on the receiving end of needing prayers. I was so use to being the one that said prayers for people that I had no idea what to say to people in need or people suffering. Unfortunately most of the time I said/did nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. I now know that sometimes hearing "I'm thinking of you" is all a person needs. An "I'm praying for you" means more than you could imagine when it is said to you.
I hope that I can be as good of a friend to M during this difficult time that she has been to me. M if you ever read this, I love you sweetie and will always be here for you.
Mrs. H, I can picture you and my Mom up in heaven talking about your kids and grandkids. I can see you both shaking your heads and laughing at things your kids have done. Give my mom a hug for me. I'm sorry you had to go so soon. You left your mark in this world and the skies are a bit brighter tonight because you are shining down on us.
Hug your Mother and be kind to others, life is too short.
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