Good Days

After my breakdown on Christmas Eve, Jason suggested we go and see my Mom's grave. He had his mom pick up some flowers for us and after all the presents were opened and the boys settled down, we headed out to the cemetery. It was muddy and Jonathan fell asleep on the way. I took Zachary up to meet her and we laid some flowers on her grave. Jason and Jonathan appeared shortly after. It was nice to let Zachary meet his grandma. It still seems so very unreal but it was a good day! The house was full of our entire family...2 nieces and 2 nephews were all that were missing (and their spouses/kids) so we had well over 50 people in the house. Wow! I am sure Mom loved seeing that. It was so crazy.

Yesterday Jonathan and I went to see my Dad. We went to the mall with him to get a new cell phone and to look around for a laptop. He of course went to Cabela's and bought him a fishing pole. It made me think of when he was in the hospital right before their anniversary party and I took Mom to see him. She said something about an item she bought (maybe a magazine) and he told her she had too many. I was only half listening and then I heard her say something about him and his fishing poles. And here he was, buying another one! We then went to Steak N Shake and it all felt so right. Usually it was Mom I went to the mall with and then we immediately figured out where we would eat at. It was our favorite thing to do. It felt so right doing those things with my Dad. I got to create new memories with my Dad and so did Jonathan.

Dad drank a strawberry shake and told us he hadn't had one in forever! He drank the entire thing. I think he was happy (and full). We headed back to his house and Jonathan and him played with his fishing pole. Again, it was a good day.

Merry Christmas

I just finished placing all the presents under the tree and realized I left my camera at my sister in laws. Bummer. But the kids (and Jason) are asleep and I'm watching the Young and the Restless. A woman on there is celebratilng her first Christmas since her Mother "died", you know she isn't really dead, but I feel that woman's pain. The pain is so fresh. Still. I thought once the firsts were over, it got easier?

Tuesday as Jonathan and I were on our way to daycare and an ambulance went flying past us and he asked me where they were going. I told him he was going to help someone who was hurt. I thought to myself, "If it isn't too late. Like it was for my mom. I hope it isn't too late for this person." That started me on missing my mom terribly, again.

Last year I obviously had my mind consumed with a new baby, a new sick baby. I remember how sick and sad little Z was. He barely ate and was so tiny and weak. I remember Christmas Day I called the pediatrician's exchange but was basically told just to wait until his appt. the next day to see what she thought. That is when our world turned upside down. I didn't have time to think about missing my mom or time to allow myself to grieve properly. I think that is why this year it finally hit me...no more Christmases with my Mom. It's like losing her all over again.

I pretty much lost it today and had my breakdown. Jonathan and Jason were very good to me. I realized what I have this year...a great husband, 2 healthy boys, a job, a house and a wonderful family and some pretty terrific friends. No I don't have my mom here but I know she is watching over me, protecting us.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your heart be light and may you find time to enjoy your holiday and forget all your cares.

He's Four!

I am a few days late but I am still in shock that my baby is 4 years old. Four. He is no longer a toddler, he is a preschooler. In all honesty, he is 4 going on 20. He can be such a sweet little caring boy and then he can be, well a 4 year old. I love that kid and every year on his birthday I will sit back and reflect the details of his birth. Such an amazing day and so much fun.

I remember on Thursday, Dec. 16th I had an 8am appointment for an NST and fluid check. My fluid had been low. I was 39wks. I had already had one week off work and was ready to finish this appointment and head to the mall to do some walking and try and get the baby to want to come out. My induction was scheduled for Christmas Eve. I had one week to get this baby out. All the nurses at my hospital were on strike. So many people encouraged me to go to another hospital, but I refused. I remember that JD did so well during the NST and the nurses and I chatted about the holidays. I was sent off for the ultra sound to check the fluid. The technician told me to stay put and that she was going to get the doctor because she felt I may need to be induced. What?! Doctor agreed and I was told to call my husband. I called Jason and I remember asking him, while on the verge of tears, if he was ready to be a Daddy. His response was, "well I guess so!". I was whisked off to the hospital and while in the wheel chair I was asking the nurse, please let me go home and get my bag and shave my legs! I live 10 miles away! Please!". She laughed and told me nope and that no one was concerned about my hairy legs. No one but me!!!

By 10 am Jason was there and I was hooked up (after 3 or 4 attempts) to an IV of pitocin and we were ready to get this show on the road! Of course little Jonathan wasn't ready to come out until 10 am the next day. Should have known he'd be a stubborn one! I remember my sister Debbie was there all night with me. So many friends came to see me. It was wonderful. I also remember that Mom, Dad and Linda were the first ones to come up after he was born. They got to watch him get a bath.

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you and I am so very proud of you!

Yes Virgina, there IS a Santa Claus!

And we met him! I am convinced that the man on the train ride we went on was Santa. No one can tell me differently. While Jonathan saw Santa arrive on the train, he slept the rest of the ride. Darn it! It's okay, he really didn't like Santa anyway and never has. Zachary, who has never met a stranger, loves the jolly old man. He adored him. I remember Jonathan always had this sour puss look on his face and would only smile if he felt you were worthy. Little stinker. While Zachary will make eye contact with everyone he meets and stare at them and smile until they can't refuse and cave in and smile back. It is his mission to make people smile. I love how different they are!

Now you tell me, isn't this the REAL Santa? Part of me wanted to sit on his lap tell him my Christmas wishes and dreams.

Come on already!

Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong with my pictures and why they are not showing up right????

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Z had an appointment with a Neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I drive to the medical park that is on the reminder appt card only to find out I needed to be at the Children's Hospital downtown. No, if I drove down there they wouldn't let me in to see the doctor because I would be late. Really? Glad your people screwed up and I have to be punished for it! Oh they can get us in in January? Wow that is customer service...thanks! No, I'm not being a smartass! Really I'm not!

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Z has had a cough for 3 weeks now. I tried to convince myself it was just a cold. Then JD woke up last Sat. at 3am screaming for me to call Dr. Kate as his ear hurt (he loves her). I took both boys in and Z has bronchitis and JD has a double ear infection. Z is on new meds now and we are hoping it kicks his bronchitis.

Not only was a mean mom that had her baby get shots on his first birthday, I get to take him back the week of Christmas for more shots. I'm such a cool mom and I know all the kids are jealous and hope their mom will do the same thing for them!

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Good news:
Jason's cousin Jarrin's brain tumor had not spread to his spine. He started radiation and had a rough time. Hopefully he can get some meds to help with that.

Bad news:
My uncle was diagnosed with bladder cancer. It doesn't appear to be good. My heart breaks for his family.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Just wishing my wonderful Father a very happy 76th birthday!

We love you Dad!

Another daughter without a Mom

Yesterday I got a call from my dear friend M that her Mom passed away. My heart broke into a million pieces. Flashbacks of my own Mother's death came flooding back into my mind and heart. Even though I have been in her shoes I had no idea what to say for her. I was speechless. I knew that nothing I did or said could help her at that moment. I told her that I know it hurts so much and it will for a while and to allow herself to feel her pain and sadness.

I cried on the phone with her and a long time after we hung up.

Mrs. H was a special woman. When my own Mother got sick she would email me or have M ask me about my mom and she would light candles for her. When Mom died, she sent me a card and told me if I needed anything then to call her. When Z got sick, she again lit candles for him, said prayers for him and asked about him a lot. The last time I saw her was in June when I had a purse party. Mrs. H was so chipper all the time and so kind and caring. She was the type of person that you wanted to hug you because you knew it was a real hug and so full of love. I remember she held Z that night and just sat there holding him. I know she loved the babies and kids. I wish I had taken my kids to see her more. She called me a few weeks after that to see how we were doing and if I needed anything.

I get so busy in my own life that I forget to reach out to others that may need me. I know we all do it but how do we stop it?

When my mom died and then Z got sick, I learned what it is like to be on the receiving end of needing prayers. I was so use to being the one that said prayers for people that I had no idea what to say to people in need or people suffering. Unfortunately most of the time I said/did nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. I now know that sometimes hearing "I'm thinking of you" is all a person needs. An "I'm praying for you" means more than you could imagine when it is said to you.

I hope that I can be as good of a friend to M during this difficult time that she has been to me. M if you ever read this, I love you sweetie and will always be here for you.

Mrs. H, I can picture you and my Mom up in heaven talking about your kids and grandkids. I can see you both shaking your heads and laughing at things your kids have done. Give my mom a hug for me. I'm sorry you had to go so soon. You left your mark in this world and the skies are a bit brighter tonight because you are shining down on us.

Hug your Mother and be kind to others, life is too short.

Remembering a friend

A year ago today my online community lost a wonderful woman, friend, mother and wife. I remember reading about Christy's birth of her second child, Cavan and being so happy about the birth of my own son, and when I read the email that Christy had died I was in shock. I swore it was some cruel joke. How could a young wife and mother of 2 be gone? It wasn't possible. I knew what I was feeling was absolutely nothing compared to what her husband was going through. My heart broke into a million pieces for him and his children. I am sure his world as he had known it was over. Yet, he had to go on for his children and Christy would want him to.

Christy was a very kind woman and reached out to many. I do not ever recall her saying an unkind thing about anyone. I do remember that if you were having a hard day or going through something difficult, she reached out to you. She was that kind of person. I know that her big heart helped so many of my friends and her kindness was contagious.

Christy, you are missed by so many. Thank you for making the world a little kinder.

Happy Birthday to my little Hero!

It's 7:31 pm and this time last year I was finally asking for my epidural and was about 5 cm dialated. I think my epidural was in by 7:45 and by 845 I called the nurse ready to push. It happened so very fast. She told me to wait for Dr. B, he wanted to be there. So I waited and at 10:06pm, my beautiful precious baby boy Zachary James arrived. He had a few minor problems at the time but was gorgeous and so perfect. I remember thinking "I have to call Mom" and then realizing she wasn't with us. However, I knew she was there and she was guarding my little boy as he needed some oxygen to get things going. I remember calling my dady at about 10:30 that night. It felt good calling him, reaching out to him and sharing my joy.

My perfect second son. My last baby.

I remember a few days before delivery I was freaking out because I could not imagine having enough love for 2 kids. Would I love #2 as much as #1? How is that possible? Someone told me that your heart grows and makes room for more love. That is true because I love both my boys more than life itself.

Unfortunately little Z hasn't had is birthday cake yet...he had his 1 year appt and got his first shots. yay! And has been asleep for nearly 3 hours. So we will celebrate tomorrow. My Zman is 18lbs and 3 oz and 29" long. Dr. Kate is very pleased with this. She has some concern for his soft spot so we go see a neurosurgeon on Dec. 9th. I know it can take 18 months for it to close up but what is the harm in going now, right?

Zachary you are my hero. You taught me so much. Thank you for never giving up and having the strength to go on. Thank you God for allowing him to go on. I love you little man.

Thanksgiving Feast

Today I volunteered at Jonathan's preschool to work at the Thanksgiving feast. Did you know that 16 3 years olds are exhausting? Yet, some of them are so loving and sweet that they make it all worth it. One little girl came up and hugged me and sat on my lap. How sweet.
We played for a bit, rehearsed the "show" they were going to put on for us and then I left to help set up for the feast. Several moms were there and we chatted a bit. One mom said to me, "Oh you are Jonathan's mom? He was the little boy I had to try and get out of the maze at the pumpkin patch. He didn't want to get out!". Hm, how do I take that? Was that a, "your kid is a brat" statement or just a comment. I don't know. I felt kind of bad. Yet did I tell her that while we were playing her little boy was snatching toys from a little girl? Nah, I bit my tongue. I know my kid isn't perfect and I don't want him to be. I was just over sensitive because I want him to be good for everyone! Oh well, he's 3. He did do very well today and I was so very proud of him. He shared toys, played with the kids and then sat quietly and looked at a book. What? He never does that at home!
Here are a few pics from his show:

Well Zachary will be one tomorrow. This time last year I was spend my last night with just one kid. I had no idea what the year ahead had in store for me. Goes to show, you can't plan your life, you can only live it!

I meant to post this earlier but if you could say a few prayers for Jason's cousin Jarrin. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor almost 2 weeks ago. You can read Jarrin's story here. I know his family would appreciate any extra prayers that could be sent his way. We all know the power of prayer.

Does the whining ever stop?

How can my happy little baby be such a Wendell Whiner? I mean seriously, he is so happy and then he sees me and he gets all whiney and clingy. It's like he will be playing and then think, "where is mom" and begin to whine.

Seperation Anxiety.

Man this sucks. Luckily for him he is so cute and has a smile that melts my heart.

What we have waited for!

This is a little late and I am so sorry but I had to attend my annual shopping trip with my sisters! Before I left for my trip I took Z to see Dr. Rob. He examed him, played a few games with him and they took his blood. He told me that he felt that the worst is behind us with Z and that we would have some good news with these results.

Jason got the call that evening that Z's bloodwork was the best it had ever been. Yay!!!! He called me at the hotel to let me know. His liver and spleen were normal in size this time too...they had always been a little bit enlarged. I celebrated this weekend by drinking some wine and buying my little man some clothes. Bigger clothes.

I still wonder what was wrong with him but I don't know if we will ever know. Dr. Rob called him a "hero" and I tend to agree. I see my little man getting stronger by the day and in my heart I believe he is going to be okay.

Look at him go!

Everyday I look at Zachary and I analyze his every move and see if I can see him making progress towards his next milestone and you know what, everyday he shows improvement! Want to see?He is sitting up for longer periods of time and will focus on doing stuff while sitting. So I broke out Jonathan's old walker/car toy just to see how he'd do. Well as a walking toy, it was a bust but as a ride on toy, or rather sit on toy, he loved it! I got him to sit on it for a minute or two and he thought he was such a big boy! That little guy amazes me more everyday!

Here are our Halloween pictures, take a week early!

Must be doing something right!

There are days where I wonder why I was chosen to be a Mother because I don't feel very motherly and would love to disappear for a bit. Yes I love my boys more than life itself and I know how blessed I am but some days...I just need a break.

And then when I think I am failing as a Mother my precious 3 year old (soon to be 4!) shows me this wonderful side of him and teaches me a few things. He is a doll that Jonathan. He is a very kind boy and loves everyone. He loves to talk to strangers and is very polite. At home, he is a bit more, um what is the word, rowdy?! LOL

Since mom passed away I have made sure I talk to him about her, show him the photobook I made and tell him how much I miss her. He takes it all in and he knows who she is and that she is in heaven with Buster and God. He knows that Grandma Keeven and God are both in his heart and with him all the time. Sometimes what he knows and shares with me makes me slow down and take time to smell the roses. A few days ago I got up to take my shower, both boys were awake too so I put them in front of the tv and prayed I could squeeze in a quick shower before Blue's Clue's was over. I kept hearing noise and tried to hurry up. As I came out I asked Jonathan if he and Zachary were ok and his reply was "yes" and then he said, "Mom your Mom was here!". Wow, that's crazy. I said, "what" and he said "Your mom was here." and after asking what about 3 more times and where she was he told me "Yes, your mom was here. You know Grandma Keeven that is in heaven? She was right there by the door!".

My first thought was that someone had tried to break in but then I knew that he had seen her. Some form of her. I think Mom popped in for to check on the boys for me. Call me crazy but I think the boys see her a lot. Jonathan talks about her a lot and I love it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just sit and listen and smile. I love talking about my Mom and I especially love talking to Jonathan about her. Sure there are tears but its all good. He also informed me that he wanted to have his birthday party at Grandpa Keeven's house because that is where we had mine. Hey, as long as Grandpa doesn't care it's a LOT cheaper for me!

Z-man is doing great! In the past week he has changed so much. I swear he is the happies baby on Earth, even though Jonathan says we all get the grumpies and Zachary gets them a lot! He charms every person he meets. He is a special little person and I am so glad I was chosen to be his Mom. He adores JD. His appetite has increased and maybe even doubled! He loves the bottle and will now drink 7 - 10oz sometimes! This will be after he eats dinner. He is on all table foods and can chow with the big boys. He eats anything and chews really well! He is cutting 2 teeth on the top. He had a fever tonight, very low, and was a bit fussy but Daddy got him to sleep. I can't believe that in 5 weeks that little Boo will be 1 year old!

We went to see the Urologist for his follow up appt and he said he heeled up very nicely and has good skin! Despite the wee bit of diaper rash he had going on. He drinks from the sippy cup and bottle and anything else he can so this has resulted in lots of wet diapers and lots of leaks!

My Dad lost one of his dear friends this week. My prayers go out to Ray's wife and his kids. Dad cared a lot about him and I'm sure this was really hard for him.

Fall already?

I can't believe that 2008 is coming to an end soon. My little Z will be 1 year old in 6 weeks and Jonathan will be 4 in about 10 weeks. Ugh! It is so hard to believe and so tough to decide what to do for birthdays when there is always a holiday in the way!!!

The boys are getting over ear infections and I am getting over bronchitis. It was such fun times in the Foster house...NOT!

Jonathan is loving preschool and can't wait to go. I know he would love to go everyday if he could. He adores his teacher. I love hearing him talk about his day and the kids in his class. He seems so grown up. He asked if he could be Thomas (the train) for Halloween again and if Z could be Percy. Well we can't find a baby Percy costume so we are hoping Z can be a conductor. We'll see what I can come up with. J is very eager to head on down to AL and stay with Grandma and Grandpa. Oh and he got his hair cut at a big boy place with Daddy! He is so proud and he didn't cry at all!!! FINALLY!

Z is doing great as well. He gave up his binky this past weekend and it made me sad. Laugh all you want but to think of my last baby giving up some of his baby stuff makes me sad. However, if he would give up his 1 and 4am feedings, I would NOT be sad at all. I have noticed him trying to climb over stuff lately and it is so cute. He loves to clap and play patty cake and so big. He is obsessed with giving me wet kisses...it is so sweet.

My Dad left for FL on 10/1 but had to return today for his friends funeral. I'm a bit worried about him because I know how hard the first funeral after Mom's was for me and I can only imagine how hard it will be for him. Poor Dad.

I will try to share some new pics in a few days.

Doing it in his time...

that is what the physical therapist told me about Z. "He is doing things in his time!"

She told me that after all he has been through we need to cut him some slack. He is using all his muscles as he should and she was impressed with all he was doing already. She commented on how alert he was and her observation is that he is too concerned with the world around him and he doesn't have time to sit still.

No further appointments unless we are still concerned. We got some exercises to do to help him learn to catch himself, kneel, sit, stand and crawl.

One year ago today...

I lost my Mother. I know she is still with me because I strongly believe that she is the one that has protected Z. She always told us that God wouldn't give you more than you could handle and I hated that statement. Along with, "everything happens for a reason". Those 2 statements never seemed to bring comfort, but I think people just don't know what else to say, myself included. But once again, my Mother was right. I told her before that she was right a lot of the time and I didn't like that. Ha!

I had a dream Thursday night that I was at my Grandma's house (Mom's Mom) with Z, Grandma and Mom. There were other people there but I don't know who. We were cooking. Mom and Grandma sat at the table telling us what to do. It was comforting that in my dream she got to meet Zachary. I think the dream also showed me that Mom is OK. She is in heaven with Grandma and Aunt Isabel. It kills me that she never met Z. I always use to pray that my parents would live to see me married and meet my kids. I think because she wasn't here on Earth to meet Z, she met him in other ways. When he was really sick he would lay there looking around the hospital room and would focus in and stare up at the ceiling. I swear it was those times that he saw Mom and she comforted him in the way that only a Grandma can.

I miss her terribly. The other day I was upset and Jonathan asked me what was wrong. I told him I was sad and his usual response is, "Do you miss your mom?" and when I said yes he reached out to pat my arm and said in a very upbeat voice, "It's okay mom, when she gets undied she will come down!". It was so sweet. I know that kids need their parents, but I never realized how much a parent needs their child.

Mom - I will love you always and will miss you forever.

Surgery is done!

Well yesterday was a bit of a long day. We got him into surgery a bit after 1pm. There was some concern about his murmur so they were trying to reach his doctor. He got out a little after 5pm. He had a bit of congestion and was breathing hard when he wasn't sleeping and he wouldn't eat and the little he did he vomitted. We left around 630 and I got Z to eat 4 oz in the car. He crashed when we got home but woke up twice to eat.

Today he was happy, cranky, happy, cranky...LOL. He would laugh and play a bit and then would get clingy and tired. I don't think he knows if he is in pain or not b/c he took off his diaper when I wasn't looking and has been doing his army crawl and pulling at his diaper! He looks very bruised and man it looks uncomfy! But he is my little trooper and is going strong.

I called the Genetics Division at Cardinal Glennon and apparently the doctor that Dr. Rob referred us to has left. But anyway we are to fill out some paperwork, have Dr. Rob/Dr. Kate fax over his medical files and then they will call us and we can hopefully get in in November/December. I have the appt scheduled at Children's in Feb so if we can get in before then then I will just cancel that one.

So one more hurdle has been over come and now we move forward.

Good news...

We saw Dr. Rob today for a CBC. He called me this evening to tell me that Z's bloodwork was normal!!! He said a few numbers were a bit elevated but it appears to be normal for Z and it was nothing concerning. His monocytes were the best they have EVER been!

He was hamming it up for everyone and showing all his new tricks and getting lots of attention from the nurses and staff. He's gonna be a handful!

I must say this is the most positive I have felt about his situation in a LONG time. I think he saved it all up until he knew I was having a bad day and then he thought he'd give me some good news. :-) Little stinker. I think I will always fear that the worst is not behind us, but for now, I'm celebrating. Z is celebrating by sleeping. ha ha ha If only Jonathan would sleep...

His surgery is Wednesday and I will update after that.

Have a great evening!

Our Last Supper

No, not the one from the bible, the one with my Mom.

Last year on this date I was enjoying the last supper with my mom. It was me and Jason, my sister, brother in law and niece and my mom and dad. Mom was so tired. I had to help her take her insulin because she couldn't see. She looked thinner and was even nodding off at the table. She had no appetite and barely ate. I remember she ordered a pricey shrimp meal.

We sat in the restaurant, talking and laughing like everything was fine and well, it was. Could we have done something different? Maybe but it wouldn't have made a difference. While I miss Mom so much that it hurts, I know she was tired and ready to home and be with her loved ones that went on before her. She had a long journey and needed to rest. I know she is up there with her parents and her sister and so many others. They are catching up and enjoying the peace up in Heaven.

Today we had the Keeven family reunion and this was a day that mom looked forward to. She enjoyed it so much. Last year we all went and moms death was so fresh and it was so hard to be there, yet so comforting. Mom had always planned it all for us and took care of us. Well we forgot table cloths last year. This year I made sure I brought one. Mom would have had 2 or 3 vinyl ones, I only had 1 disposable one. She made sure we all had plates, utensils and napkins. It seemed to always either rain or be very hot for our reunion. This year it rained that morning and then was a gorgeous day that we all enjoyed. I think Mom made sure it was a nice day.

It was one year ago today that I last saw my mom alive. I hugged and kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her. I guess that isn't a bad way to end things. I wonder if I had known it would be the last time I'd see her if I would have said anything else?

Thank you. I would have said "thank you Mom for being the wonderful Mom that you were.".

The Big Day

Jonathan and I survived the big first day of preschool.

Look at how handsome and proud he is with is Diego back pack. On his first day he brought home monkey mask. They are learning about animals and Adam and Eve. They will do apple painting in a few weeks.

Ms. Alee said he did great and was a good helper. He was a bit hesitant but I noticed if I just leave and don't look back, he manages just fine.

As for AWANA last night, he was very tired and cranky and I heard he clung to a few legs. Tom said he was attached to Vicki's leg. I know he remembers her (Debbie's friend) and I'm sure he felt safe. He didn't play w/the kids in the big group but I think he did fine in the classroom. After AWANA we went to see Grandpa. Jonathan was a bit wond up and I tried to let Grandpa let him stay. Ha! One day I think he will but not last night!

Zachary passed his pre-surgery physical so as long as no colds come up and his blood count is good on Monday, we will move forward with his surgery.

Have a great day!

Date is set

Friday Zachary had some stomach bug and I was so glad I had the day off because he was just puking non stop for about 5 hours. He then got some sort of cold. He is doing ok but just a bit snotty and whiney at times.

Anyway, on Friday I made a few phone calls and got him in to see a geneticist in February. They will call if there is a cancellation.

The urologists office called and set up his surgery for Wednesday, September 10th. I have to take him to his primary doc next week to make sure he is ok...no fever...and then the hospital will call me on 9/9 with a time and instructions. Jonathan will spend the day as he always does, with Chelsea and Arianna and then Jason and I will take Zachary to the hospital. The surgery can take 2 hrs and should be outpatient.

On Monday, 9/8, he will go see Dr. Rob for his monthly bloodwork. Fingers crossed that it all goes well and his blood work is normal.

So it looks like the next two weeks will be busy! I will update as I can.

9 Month Appointment/Preschool

Today we had Jonathan's preschool open house. Chelsea and I took him up there and at first he didn't want me to leave his sight but then he began playing more. I think he was a bit intimidated by some of the kids b/c he didn't know them. It's funny because he was a good 2 - 3 inches taller than nearly all of them! The teachers were wonderful and it looked like so much fun. So many different activities. I wish I could go. We told him that next week he will go and stay for a bit but the mommies couldn't stay. I think he'll be okay.

We then had Zachary's 9 month appt. Everyone commented on how big he had gotten and how HUGE Jonathan was. We weighed him in at 51lbs...fully clothed. I think he is 42 or 43 inches tall. Dr. Kate was even impressed. He got a bit wild and she said, "Glad he's going home with you!". Ha! She laughed and said she has days when she takes her 2 kids out alone and feels like crying. Glad to know I'm not alone.

Well Zachary weighed in at 16lbs and 14oz with a diaper on. He is in the 5th-10th % and has fallen down a bit on his chart. At 6 months he was 15lbs and 1 oz. So he barely gained 2 lbs in 3 months. Not good. He is 28.5" long and is in the 50th % for that. His little peanut head is in the 5th %.

I addressed every concern I had and the first was his soft spot...still huge and she said that was reported in the hospital report and she just wants to watch it.

His lower part of his spine seems like it sticks out. She said she doesn't think it is curved and that it is b/c he is so skinny.

Not sitting up...while he is making progress he still is not doing it. She will gladly send him to physical therapy when I'm ready. I may wait a few weeks because he seems to be doing better and the parents as teachers lady gave us some good ideas for helping him along.

My ultimate concern is that he has NF1 or Noonan Syndrome (NS). Both seem to effect (in some way) kids with JMML and that is how I found out about them. He has the one symptom of NF1...the cafe au lait spots. As for NS, I say he has several and Dr. Kate agreed. The main symptom there is a heart defect...pulmonary stenosis. He does have a murmur and 2 echocardiograms confirmed it was just a murmur. But you see, NS has a huge spectrum of symptoms. Some people do not know they have it and others, well they have it bad unfortunately. Another symptom is undescended testicles...check. Low set ears...check. Droopy eye lids/lazy eye...His eyelids may be a bit droopy or is it hereditary? That's the thing, lots of these symptoms can be hereditary traits as well. NS can also cause (if cause is the right word) developmental and mental delays and mental retardation...obviously I would take any or all of these over JMML.

Dr. Kate will always say, "what is your Mommy gut telling you?"...this time, it's telling me that I'm afraid for my baby boy. I'm afraid of 2 things...the worst isn't over yet and that he truly has JMML and something is "hiding" it some how and the not so bad (I hope) is that he has NF1, NS or some combo of the 2. Unfortunately, my Mommy gut is not telling me that it is nothing.

She advised me to call a geneticist and then we may call in a neurologist as well. For some reason, these 2 steps are really hard for me. Maybe deep down I do know that something is wrong or maybe I'm just really sad because I wish (so badly) that my mom was here. With the first anniversary of death approaching, I'm finding everything a little harder these days.

I left him with a stranger

Ok well it wasn't really a stranger, it was his Awana teacher and my sister, brother in law and about 6 of my nieces and nephews were there but STILL I dropped him off and left! It was so hard.

Jonathan was so excited about AWANA but when he realized I wasn't staying, he grabbed my leg and clung to me. I remember doing that to my Mom. I never wanted her to leave my side. I promised him I'd be back. After about 10 minutes I was able to leave and as I looked back at him I saw him looking at me with those big brown eyes. I ran to the car where Jason and Zachary were waiting. We went to dinner and the entire time I kept thinking about the fact that I dropped my son off with someone he didn't know and how scared he must be. Mind you, Ms. Christa and Ms. Amy were very nice ladies but I hate seeing that boy sad.

As soon as the food was served I asked for the check. I inhaled my food and we practically ran from the restaurant...Jason's food left in a doggie bag with us. He ate too slow. I needed to be by my baby. I tried so hard to watch him from the window but couldn't see him. I saw my sister, a niece and a nephew walk by and figured if he wasn't attached to their leg, then he must have done ok.

He saw me and said, "Mommy I made a picture for you!" and smiled his gorgeous smile. Ms. Christa said he did just fine...no tears and it was good I didn't come back in like I had planned. He was ready to home (he had to go potty) and he told me how much fun he had and how Ms. Christa was so happy to see him! He wants to go back and said he knows Mommy can't stay but that Mommy will always be back to get him! One down, one to go.

Next week: Preschool! (Not sure if I can handle that one!)

As for little Z man well he had another Parents As Teacher meeting and she said she was so happy to see so much improvement with him and him trying to sit up. He can't quite do it yet but has made huge progress in one month. She gave us some exercises to do with him. However, he proudly showed off his ability to do "So Big!" for her. Here is a video (it took me a week to get it!) and please forgive my high pitched baby talk voice!

Various Updates

Zachary was referred from one Urologist to another for his undescended testicles (I am sure when he is 9 years old he will kill me for sharing this info) due to the fact that they are still up in the abdominal area. We met with a very nice doctor who informed me that he would like to do the surgery shortly after his 1st birthday. They are going to schedule it and give me a call. Let's hope it is in 2008 so that it's FREE! I know that sounds petty but seriously, it would be less stress for us!!!

Anyway it will be done as outpatient and he will have 4 incisions...2 in the abdominal area and 2 in the scrotum area. I must admit, I am ready to get this over with.

As for developments, Z is trying super hard to sit up on his own and can manage it for a maybe a minute here and there. He now does "so big" but won't do it on command for the camera!!! He is starting seperation anxiety with me, Jason and Chelsea. And that is just so much fun...NOT! He is rolling and doing the army crawl a little bit. Overall, the little guy is doing wonderful.

My big little guy is gearing up to start preschool. I had the parent orientation and since it is a co-op program (at a nearby Lutheran Church) I have to volunteer to work the classroom and fundraisers 6-8 times a year. YIKES! I am stressing over that but from what I can tell the program is incredible. If Jonathan likes it, I will make it work. He will go Tues/Thurs from 9-12 and Chelsea has agreed to take him and pick him up. I am so grateful that her and Sally are able to work this out for us. I think it will be great for Jonathan. We have open house on 8/28 and then he starts on 9/2. I am really nervous and expect to shed a few tears.

We also signed him up for AWANA at my sister's church. He is really excited and told Grandma and Grandpa that he met his teacher Ms. Christa and that she was really nice. It is only one night a week so I think he will do okay there. He has lots of new and exciting things headed his way.

I just can't believe my babies are getting so big.

Butterflies

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the death of my dear friend's son. My heart breaks for her. I am so happy she has a little girl now but I know she still misses her sweet son so terribly much.

The past few weeks my sister and I have been talking about butterflies, hummingbirds and Mom. Random thoughts bring back memories of Mom and she told me how she saw several butterflies and then as we were at my dad's house we saw a hummingbird. Mom loved watching the hummingbirds.

This past weekend I was camping with a friend and her family and I saw several butterflies. Jason's Aunt told me she thought that when you see a butterfly it was a message from a loved one that passed away. I saw several this past weekend.

We had a great weekend. It could not have been better. Great company, happy kids, seeing family and just being together. I'll make a separate post later.

Sweet Ryan, you will never be forgotten. You touched many lives in your short and sweet life. You are one special little Angel and are missed and loved so very much.

Sherry, Mike and Megan...many hugs to you all. Thank you for sharing your sweet little boy with me. He will never be forgotten.

Brotherly Love

I love watching the boys interact and the bond they have is so very strong and incredible. I write in their journals that they DO love each other because I want them to be reminded of this bond if they should ever come to a point where the bond isn't so strong...as siblings do!


This next video is not great quality and it was hard to hold the camera and the baby so forgive me for the bad shot but I think you can still see the way Z looks at JD and the love they share. And all the fun I am going to have in the years to come when they gang up on me!!!

Now, imagine when I have two doing this...

And last but not least, Zachary really has 2 teeth, not one and he is doing a very funky army crawl!

What, what did you say?

"Mama". That's right after Zachary ate his 5am bottle I put him in bed with me. He was babbling away and I started to doze off. then I heard that sweet little word..."Mama. Mama. Mama." I know, I don't think he said it because he knows what it mean but still, what a sweet little word.

But wait, that's not all...as I laid there playing with him I put my finger in his mouth and low and behold, the boy has a tooth! It is barely poking through the skin but it's there. He knows it's there too because he keeps rubbing his tongue on it. No swollen gums and not indication of a tooth at all and then BAM there it is!

I wonder if all his teeth will come in this easy? ha ha ha...a girl can dream right?

August

In St. Louis, August means HOT! Temps in the 100's, air so thick it sucks the life out of you and the constant sound of the air conditioner running.

In my heart, it means Mom and Dad's anniversary. August 3rd. Last year it was such a busy happy time for all of us as we prepared to celebrate their 50 years of marriage. We watched Mom dance with Dad for the first time in many years. This year, we will go to Dad's in the 100 degree weather and barbecue. Are we doing it for Dad, or for us? I don't know.

The past week has been a rough one. Jason's Aunt Nancy passed away and she was a great woman and she was loved by many. Even if I hadn't known her, I would have known how incredible she was just by looking at the pictures. Actually, his entire family is pretty great. No, I'm not saying that because some of them read my blog, ha ha. I am saying that because they all welcomed me into their family without any questions. They were all so kind and treated me as one of them.

His Uncle Denny (Nancy's husband) passed away in December. I can't imagine the pain their kids and grandkids have felt and all they have gone through...losing both parents within 8 months. It is not fair. As I watched the slide show I saw their wedding pictures and I imagined the 2 of them in heaven shining down on their family and letting them know it's okay, they are together again.

I also noticed how strong and dominant those Foster genes are! I could see Jason and even Zachary in the pictures of Uncle Denny.

This was the first funeral I attended since Mom's and I tried so hard to be strong but in the end, I used the boys as my excuse and we sat in the "cry room" at the funeral home. It was nice because I could hear the service and both boys fell asleep. And well, I avoided a potential breakdown that I didn't want to happen because it just wasn't the place for it. Now that I am back in St. Louis, I had my breakdown. Jonathan told me it was okay, Grandma would be here soon. It's funny because I will think I'm doing okay and then I stumble across something, an item, memory, song, tv show and the pain comes flying back at me.

Jonathan has a "special box" where I keep cards and stuff that he has gotten from family and friends. We opened it to look at it and I found the card Mom gave me at his shower. She also gave me to sets of baby booties. In the card it said how she found these booties and that Grandma Keeven made them and since I was the youngest grandchild she would want me to have them. She then wrote, "I know Grandma is looking down on us.". Yes and now the 2 of them are looking down on us. Too bad it hurt so much.

I promised I'd post more frequently but I forgot so now you get a long post about my sappy feelings and then the last part about the boys. The boys were total and complete angels for the trip up to Iowa and back. I never knew how good Jonathan could be. I was so proud. He can be a very polite and loving child. He was happy to see his great grandma and great papa. "They have blocks, stairs and puzzles!" I know it did Grandma (and everyone there) well to see Zachary and see how well he is doing. I just didn't realize that if you don't see him everyday, you could really think the worst of his situation. I am glad we went up there just sorry it was for a funeral. I wish we had made it up there sooner. We are heading back up this Friday to meet my friend Alana and her family. We are going camping! She is one of my online mommy friends and I am so excited to meet her.

Zachary truly is doing well. I still read up on JMML and NF1 because while I try not to obsess on it and as much as I want to believe the worst is behind us, I never will. I know that kids with bone marrow transplants can still have JMML come back. They say it never really goes away. No i don't know if had it but that doesn't ease my mind. However, my sweet happy baby is just that...sweet and ever so happy. His smile lights up a room. He is tiny and precious. I had the parents as teacher lady come out to evaluate him and she feels he is right on target. He is a wee bit behind on sitting up but she said to give it another month or 2 and then we may need to get some physical therapy.

She was going to refer him to a statewide program but our oh so wonderful (sacrasm) Governor, Matt Blunt, decided that he didn't feel the MO First Steps or Early Intervention Program was very important so he cut the program. What a swell guy! Glad I voted for him! So because of him, kids won't even qualify for an evaluation until they are 4 months behind on a milestone. I mean really, what an idiot. I just don't see how such a wonderful program can be treated so poorly. Thank goodness he felt he did everything he set out to do so there is no need for him to run for office again. Are you kidding me? What an ego!

Is it really free?

Well it's official, as long as Aetna approves my insulin pump then I should have it next week. The pump that would normally cost me $4,800 will be mine for a mere $24.95. Thank you little Zachary. :-) I am a bit nervous about this but since I have to be on insulin and I find myself forgetting an occassional shot, why not get a pump. I even requested a purple one.

It's sad that the year my company switches to a high deductible plan, my newborn son gets sick. I remember saying, "Oh we are all fairly healthy so it won't be so bad". Did I jinx myself? Either way, now that that $7k is out of the way and everything is free, I'm going for it. I stub my toe, I am going to the doctor! Ok really it won't be that bad.

I am getting Z into see a urologist and possible an occupational therapist if he is not accepted in the Missouri First Steps program. His parents as teacher lady is coming out on Monday to evaluate him. The little booger can't sit up but he sure figured out how to jump out of his bumbo seat!

75 Reasons

Shortly after Tim Russet died one of the local radio stations replayed an old interview with him and he discussed his books. One was about his relationship with his Father and he discussed how he had 8 siblings and for his Dad's 75th birthday each of the kids wrote 75 reasons why they loved their Father. It was memories, things he did for them, with them or things they learned from him. How incredible is that?

I sat thinking of the reasons I loved my parents. Some days I miss my Mother so much that I want to run away and get a new life. It is then that I know I need time with my family. Even if it is a short visit or phone call. Mom knew I loved her. I made sure I told her a few things when she was in the hospital last April. She told me she wasn't going anywhere but I had to tell her how great she was before I allowed myself to step foot on that plane to come home and I am glad I did.

I know Dad knows I love him and I know he loves me. But you know what, I am going to give him 75 reasons why I love him. I want him to know and I don't want to wait. So either grab a snack because this could get long, or feel free to stop here. I'll never know.

75 Reasons Why I Love You Dad

1. I love your smile...it makes me smile too!
2. I love your laugh.
3. I love how you drink that dry red wine and enjoy it!
4. I love the wine mustache you get!
5. I love the way that you love each of your children.
6. I love the way you love your grandchildren.
7. I love the way you love your great-grandchildren.
8. I love the way confuse all our names.
9. I love the way you loved Mom.
10. I love the way you cared for Mom and did whatever you had to for her.
11. I love that Mom told someone, a stranger, that she had a very good nurse (you) and that you took really good care of her.
12. I love that when Zachary got sick you were ready to cancel your flight to FL, all I had to do was ask.
13. I love that you pray for Zachary every night.
14. I love that you told me all along that he was going to be okay and you just knew it.
15. I love that when I was little and I'd get scared during a bad storm you would come to my side and tell me, "Don't be scared. God protected me my whole life and he will protect you." and you would give me a magazine to look at.
16. I love that when I was little you would camp with us in the front yard. No tent just sleeping bags and a few stray dogs!
17. I love that when I hit your new tractor with your truck, you said "Shit happens" and yelled at the worker who left the tractor out!
18. I love that all the years that Mom watched the Young and the Restless, you pretended to not be interested but you paid attention!
19. I love that you knew that you could tease Mom about Victor Newman (from the Young and the Restless) and it would get her all worked up.
20. I love that you are a hard worker and showed me how to be a hard worker.
21. I love that you quit smoking after 30 something years.
22. I love that you told me I make you cry with gifts and cards. Sorry but now you made it a challenge for me.
23. I love that you are lefthanded and now Jonathan is too!
24. I remember when I was about 4 years old and I had a Woody Wood Pecker sticker from a 7-11 slurpee and you let me put it on your big blue dump truck. You were holding me and we were looking at it out the window and the darn window broke! I love how you calmed me down.
25. I love how you would put peroxide on my scraped knees and tell me to watch the bubbles.
26. I love how anytime we had a cut you poured Mecuricome on it and we then had an orange hand with a small cut on it.
27. I love that when the road at the end of street flooded, you took us down there to look at it and well, maybe drive thru it.
28. I love how when you sneezed, it came out "AAAHHH SHIT!".
29. I remember you always had a hankerchief with you and Mom use to give me one of your hankies for me to take to school with me so I could be like you.
30. I love how when I was little you would pretend to step on my belly but really jump over me...it scared me and made me laugh everytime!
31. I loved wearing your t-shirts to bed when I was little.
32. I remember how I loved rubbing lotion on your feet and tickling your feet.
33. I love how every night after dinner, you would have us kids get you a bowl of ice cream.
34. I loved that when I was little and walked into the living room, from my room, you would carry me back to bed and calm my fears.
35. I love how you use to make root beer when i was little.
36. I love that we also made REAL pork rinds when I was little too.
37. I love that I had a special water cup, the little glass with a cardinal on it and maybe a blue jay.
38. I love that when I wanted water in my cup I had to say, “Daddy may I please have a glass of crystal clear, ice cold water?”.
39. I love that you held me as we filled up my cup with water.
40. I love that you let me go to work with you but I was ready to go home when fresh concrete splashed in my hair and on my donut!
41. I love that I always feel safe with you.
42. I love the hat trick you do and how the grandkids are now doing it.
43. I loved it when you talked like Donald Duck.
44. I love that when I was growing up we went out on the boat all the time.
45. I love that when I took my friends to Florida with me you told us to clap for the Dolphins to come and then laughed at us when you videotaped us all standing there clapping.
46. I remember watching the 1982 World Series with you between St. Louis and Milwaukee.
47. I love how you trained our dog Mandy to do so many neat tricks.
48. I love that you and Mom raised me with Faith and taught me about God.
49. I love that you always had faith in God.
50. I love that no matter where we were you went to church nearly every Sunday.
51. I love that you told me I couldn't cut the grass because I'd cut my feet off with the motor.
52. I love that when I bought my house and the toilet backed up, you came over to help me and then said, "next time it happens call me and I'll give you the number of a plumber!". It was a mess!
53. I love that when I told you I saw a psychic and what she said, you told me I was crazy for believing any of that crap!
54. I remember when I was little I would go down to the pool and you told me to get on the high dive, look up towards the house and wave then jump! You were watching me with the binoculars.
55. I remember swimming with you and not being afraid because I had you near me.
56. I remember thinking it was hillarious when you went under water.
57. I love that growing up you were the strongest and bravest person I ever knew. You still are!
58. I loved looking at the coins from different countries you collected while in the navy.
59. I loved hearing your old Navy stories.
60. I loved it when you told me stories about you growing up. I think in one of the stories your older brothers convinced you that you were Superman and had you jump off the roof.
61. I appreciate that when Jonathan fell in your pond, you filled it in. Thank you!
62. I love that you cried at my wedding.
63. I love that you and mom were married for so long.
64. I love that while you made sure I had everything I needed (and most of what I wanted), you also taught me the value of a dollar.
65. I love that you bought property and allowed me to have so many memories of our trips there.
66. I remember when I bought my first car, you fought hard for me to get a good deal. Thank you!
67. I love that no matter what I do, you will always love me and be there for me.
68. I love you for who you are.
69. I love you for wanting me to be a good person and doing all you could to get me there. I'm not perfect but I'm trying!
70. I love the type of Father and Grandfather that you are.
71. I love the hand game you played with me when I was little and that Jonathan now plays it too.
72. I remember being little and out on the "Slow Boat" and we would swim between the pontoons. It made Mom yell at us every time.
73. I remember watching Westerns with you and liking them.
74. I love you for loving me and helping me be a better person.
75. I love you for all the reason above and so many more.

I don't think Dad reads my blog so I will have to find a clever way to give this to him. One day I will find a way to give this to him and he will cry and laugh and know that I love him so very much and I am so very grateful for him and the life he gave me.

10 months

Today marked 10 months since my Mom passed away. Some days it feels like it was 10 years ago and others it seems like 10 minutes ago. Not a day passes that I don't think of her or the impact she made on my life.

I look into my son's eyes and I wish my mom was here. I sit at a family get together and I wish she was here.

They, whoever they are, say the first year is the hardest. The first year of firsts is hard. But how will the second be easier? I don't see how. I see so much around me that I can't share with my Mom.

Dad is a pillar of strength. He probably doesn't realize how much he has helped me through all this stuff with Zachary. He is a great Father and I know he is hurting too. I often wonder what has gotten him through these past ten months. I know life has to go on and I guess we all just do what needs to be done to make it through the day. Then we get up and do it all again. What else can you do?

Mom I miss you and I love you so very much.

Medical Update

It's been a while since I posted a real medical update on Zachary. We went to see Dr. Rob on Friday and everyone was amazed by his growth and his personality. He was flirting and showing off his baby blues. He was a dream. He did good on the blood draw and only cried because he had 3 women holding him down.

We discussed a few of my concerns and Dr. Rob did not brush any of my concerns off. We will now go to blood draws every 2 months. He can start his vaccines at 12 months if all CBC are normal between now and then. This one was normal. I did not ask for numbers because hearing "everything looks great" is enough for me. His lymphocytes were still high (they were in May when he had his UTI). I may ask the pedi if we can repeat his urine culture just because I want to. He was weighing in at 16 lbs.

His muscle tone looks good and we are just to keep working on sitting up with him. As long as we see improvement, then there are no worries. Dr. Rob said he has "line backer legs". LOL He asked if he was vocal and my reply was, "yes he is!". He even made his little motor boat sound for him. His newest trick he learned.

His soft spot is still a bit big but he said (same as Dr. Kate) as long as he is drooling, then not to worry when it is sunken in. It can be a sign of dehydration but b/c his is larger, it is more noticeable. He loves his solids and will now eat some yogurt, cheese, potatoes and bread. He LOVES food!

My main concern lately has been a few spots I have noticed on him. When I did my research on JMML back in January I learned that JMML kids can have Noonans or NF1 so these symptoms always remained in the back of my mind. NF1 kids have 5 or more spots called café-au-lait. Well a few weeks ago I noticed 2 of them. I also noticed a freckle. Most children do not get freckles until after 1 or maybe 2 years of age. Dr. Rob said he wants to keep an eye on these spots and if I notice more then to call him. I read that they usually appear in the first year of life and after the first summer because that is when the baby is exposed to the sun.

So for now we just watch the spots and pray that they are just spots and not linked to NF1.

I'm going to end with a request to all of you, in January I joined a support group for JMML families. The parents were all so wonderful and supportive. Unfortunately, a young baby (around Z's age) named Bobby passed away on July 10th. He is now with the Angels and free from pain. I am sure his parents would appreciate any extra prayers for them. I can't imagine their pain.

D & S, you are in my prayers and I hope you can find some peace soon.

Green beans and Haircuts

Don't laugh at the title, you'll soon understand!

We got Jonathan to let us give him a haircut. Now for those of you who don't know this...this is huge. He screams and we hold him down and shave his head. Think what you want, but it is not cruel. Taking him somewhere is cruel for all parties invovled! Trust me. This time I bribed him with a trip to Chuck E Cheese...anyone want to take him? He did 90% better. Only screamed for 5 minutes and was quite the brave little man. Here is the new hair do.

Z is doing so well with his foods. Once in a while he will gag himself and puke but otherwise he is doing so good!!! He loves to eat gogurt each morning but today I added in toast and God forbid a crumb (yes a crumb) was on his tongue and he gagged and gagged until he puked. Lovely! So no more toast for him. He is a drooling and biting machine...will we ever see teeth??? Ah the green beans, yes here is a video of him eating the green beans Mama made for him. Um I think from his reaction we will not be making green beans again.

We had a great 4th of July and it was nice not to have to rush home after the display. I think Dad was ready to kick us out but we were cleaning up so I think he put up with us so we could clean up the mess we made!

Tears from Heaven

Today my nephew Karl and his fiance Holly got married. It was a nice ceremony outside and the reception was at a wonderful park. We were running late, as usual, and it kept raining. Well the midwest here doesn't need any more rain and I kept thinking how the rain would ruin their day. No bride should have to deal with rain. It was a strange sporadic rain. It wasn't the big fat drops, it was tiny heavy sprinkles. I looked up to the sky and could see the sun, gray skies and darker gray skies. I kept thinking "What is going on!". Finally, I told Mom that this nonsense had to stop! Not only for Karl and Holly but for all the poor families that have lost their homes to the flooding. It isn't fair.

To the left is the happy couple. It was strange not to have Mom there. It was the first family wedding since she died and it was very strange. I thought of the song, "Tears from Heaven" and realized Mom was there. She managed to stop the rain so Holly could make it down the aisle without getting wet. I think she had to tease everyone a little bit and make us all nervous. Ha ha!

Of course on our way there we drove down a highway that at one point last week was closed due to flooding. It was raining and I look to my right and was like, "Crap is that water?!" (ok so I didn't say crap but I'm trying to keep it clean). The water was right there! I mean really, right there! I was freaking out b/c it was raining and I kept thinking, "Drive faster Jason!". I did manage to pull out my camera and take a few pics. In this first picture you can seehow close it is to the road and how high it is by the sign. If you look closely you cans see a roof top. Now I believe this is the concession stand from the soccer park that is, well underneath that water.

7 months and no teeth!

Hi everyone it's me, Zachary. Mommy is getting ready for work and Jonathan is sleeping...it's 645am and he is still sleeping. The 2 of us gave Mommy a run for her money. She kept saying, "If you 2 would just go to sleep!". We made her sleep in our room. It was a big slumber party!!!

I turned 7 months this past Saturday. Mommy, Daddy and Jonathan were camping and they left me and Harley with Aunt Sandy. We had fun. It was really funny when I puked and scared her.

Let's see, I am now eating solids. I like my peas, squash, sweet potatoes, peaches and apple sauce. I don't spit as much out now b/c I realized that it's good stuff!!! My reflux is nearly gone and Mommy is so happy! I am just a little chatterbox. I don't sit up or have any teeth but I roll around and scoot, well push myself around w/my heels. Jonathan thinks I'm a toy and carries me around when Mommy isn't looking. Oh she gets so mad! I think it's so much fun!!! He is a great big brother and I love him so much.

I got my picture taken last month and mommy still hasn't mailed them out. She is so bad about that. I'll work on her this week to get those done. I know my family in Iowa is eager to see how much I've grown. So are my cousins in Japan and Las Vegas.

I better go b/c Mommy is almost done. Have a great day!
Love,
Zachary

Headed in the right direction

Zachary had his appt for his VUCG and he did GREAT! He is a little superman. He only squirmed and whimpered a wee bit when the inserted the catheter and then he laid very still and peed on que! LOL

It was a breeze and they said the prelimenary results look great! He will look at the results a bit more indepth and send them on to the pedi.

We are moving along in the right direction so let's hope someone cleared the path and there are no more pot holes! This little one's special Angel must me working overtime to protect him! Thank you Mom!

He is a true delight and just rolling and squealing and eating his sweet potatoes and carrots! Yep, he is eating more solids!!!! Can you believe he will be 7 months on Saturday? Wow!

Worry, Worry, Worry

Well over the weekend and on Monday I started to get a bit worried about Z. He was vomitting, not eating much and his soft spot was sunken in. So on Tuesday I made my way to Dr. Kate's office. As we were waiting Z had one of his reflux coughing fits and 3 of the nurses came out to see him. "We have Baby Radar" and Z just lit up and flirted with all of them. Everyone commented on him and of course the staff "knows" about him. They are all so wonderful there.

Zachary is up to 15lbs and 1 oz! His soft spot was a concern but she said that since he was drooling so much, he was not dehydrated to the point we needed to treat it. If the drooling stopped, appetite decreased or he tossed his cookies, well formula, any more then we are suppose to give him Pedialyte. She assured me his cough was his reflux cough. I really did know that but these days all I do is second guess myself.

He goes for his VCU catheter test thing on Monday. Boy this should be fun. I am already queasy thinking about it. Really he is doing so well and if I could stop worrying, I'd see that. He adores Jonathan. When i put them to bed I often find Jonathan in Z's crib and they are playing. It is the cutest thing.

We are trying to find preschool for Jonathan. i don't think the school district program will work b/c of the hours. I will find something in time. I just want him to go somewhere a few hours where he doesn't know anyone so he can adjust to that for when kindergarten comes along.

As for me, I'm beginning to realize that I haven't taken time to take care of myself and my feelings. I don't think I've ever truly grieved for my Mom. I mean when she died I was very pregnant, had Z, Z got sick and my life was consumed on carrying for him and worrying about him. I'm angry and sad a lot more these days. I hate that my mom is gone and Z will never meet her. Jonathan talks about her quite a bit and will ask if we can go to heaven to get her. I pray to have dreams where I talk to her. I don't want to be angry and sad so I have to take some time for me and allow myself to cry and feel all the emotions that I feel. I can't take care of everyone and everything else and ignore myself. That's my new goal, each day do one thing for me and not feel guilty! Don't we all deserve that?

Kidney Ultrasound

Yesterday Z had his kidney US. The doc came in and said, "looks fine" and left the room. Glad my insurance company pays her $200 for those 2 little words!

Anyway, she said the look good. We were scheduled for a second test that I was unaware of but because he is still on his meds we have to wait. So we will go back in a week or so.

The second test involves some not so fun stuff...a catheter and they inject dye into his bladder to check for the kidney reflux. This will NOT be fun!

Otherwise, he is in a great mood and doing well! He is trying to eat more solids but needs to learn to keep them in his mouth.

More testing...

Because Zachary has a UTI we have to take him to the hospital tomorrow for a kidney/renal ultrasound. I am not sure what all is involved in this test but I am convinced the kind ladies in registration will soon know us by sight!!!

Any prayers you can spare will be appreciated.

UTI it is!

I mean seriously, can't this baby catch a freakin' break? Hello he is 6 months old and yes, I know other babies have been through so much more and that kills me but at the same time this is my baby and I am ready for some normalcy for him.

We had his 6 month well baby today. No shots until at least 1 year and as cold and flu season approaches, she will let me know what I can and can't do w/him to protect him. Bubby, as JD calls him, lost 3 oz but is around the 20th% for weight and is 26" long and that is 50th %. His head remains in the, I think she said 10%. So he is gaining and meeting milestones. No bumps so she doesn't feel he is teething but he sure likes to bite!!!

And yes, my Z man has a UTI. He hasn't had a fever since Thursday but he has been fussy. I convinced myself that it was teething/virus. Around 530 Dr. Kate called to tell me that she was very shocked to see the results. So we started some antibiotics tonight and tomorrow they will schedule some standard kidney testing to check for kidney reflux.

I begged Dr. Kate to sneak a peek at my ear as it has been hurting for a week but I ignored it b/c I had more important little ones to watch after. She said I do have some fluid behind it but it is not red. I got some numbing drops, sudafed and she said to try mucinex. Let me say this, if an ear infection is worse than this pain, all these little ones with EI's are my heros!

Z had his first camping trip on Memorial Day Weekend. He did great. We even had tornado warnings and I had to run and get hm from the pop up in the boring down cold rain! He was a trooper!

Jonathan had a blast as usual and discovered the joys of a slip n slide curteousy of his cousin Sarah. He had so much fun!

Here is Z in the hammock and Jonathan striking a pose...

And here is the slip n slide video...

Update on Zachary

After 2 hours at the hospital, I was able to get a urine sample from Zachary. We will get the results on Monday. He hasn't ran a fever since Thursday morning so I am thinking it is just a virus.

Now for the incredible news...his bloodwork came back NORMAL! I mean every count was NORMAL! His monocytes were even normal at 6%!!! I am not sure how many months we will have to continue the testing until we get an all clear sign from the oncologist but for now, this is remarkable news!!!

Sherry, Mike and Megan, congrats to all of you! Megan is so very precious and I am so very happy for you all! ((HUGS))

Sherry had her baby

For all of you out there that know Sherry- I am happy to announce that she had Gummy this morning! She was born at 7:50 a.m and everything went well. Mommy and baby are doing great. Megan Elizabeth looks just like her mom. She weighed in at 7 pounds 8 ounces and is 19 3/4 inches long.

Congrats to Mike and Sherry!!!!

Fevers, runny noses and colds. Oh My!

The last three days have been filled w/snot, coughs, colds and fevers. Jonathan has a cold/cough but he is a tough kiddo and seems to be well. He also has chigger bites from our weekend in the country. Poor kid!

As for Zachary, he has had a fever since Monday. It was low grade...99-100 and then Tuesday night it spiked to 103.6! He looked awful. I freaked big time. I called the oncologist and he said to give him tylenol every 4 hrs and bring him in to him or the pedi for a CBC. The pedi could get us in at 9am and I figured she'd be less busy. Well she sent us to the lab at the hospital and they had to poke my sweet peat in each arm and two finger pricks to get his blood! UGH!!!

Anyway, ears and lungs and throat were clear. Z is weighing 14lbs and 6 oz...25th percentile! Go big guy! Physically he looked fine and had no fever at all. She said it may be a UTI but they are rare in infant boys but as we all know, Z is a rare little boy! :-) So we put a collection bag on his little, um pee pee and I figured by the time they got his blood it would be full. But I think all the squirming knocked it off and I didn't realize it until we got home. No sample and I was so exhausted I didn't call the doc. I know, bad mommy but if you would have seen the day I had!

I think I will call the ped for the CBC results and ask her for another bag and sit in her office praying the bag works so he doesn't need a catheter. Then if it is a UTI maybe we can get an RX and be on our merry way. A girl can hope right?

As for his fever, if I miss a dose of tylenol then within 6 hrs it spikes up to 101. He likes to sleep on me so it has been a very exhausting day.

Tomorrow you may see 2 posts from me...my dear friend Sherry is having a baby and asked me to update here for all her friends in blogland and then I will be sure to post an update on Z.

Sherry, Mike and Little Gummy...I am thinking of you and can't wait for that phone call in the morning to announce Gummy's safe arrival! Many prayers and lots of love to all of you!!! ((HUGS))

Happy Memorial Day

I have to be honest, I never gave much thought to Memorial Day until this year. It was really just a long weekend to kick off summer by going camping. I know it sounds heartless but it's true.

This year I offered to go to my Mom's grave w/my dad. Huge steps for both of us b/c he has never been and I am scared I will make him cry. I know it isn't me making him cry, it is missing my mom that makes him cry but still. We headed out there and my niece and nephew went with us. We bumped into my sister and BIL out there. My word, the cemetery was packed! Because Dad was in the Navy, Mom was burried at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery. The boy scouts put flags on each grave and it is gorgeous and just amazing. There were So many people and it so amazing. The way there none of us really talked but we did talk the whole way back. It was nice.

As I left, I gave dad one of the books I made for the boys. I explained to him that it was a book with pictures of mom because I wanted my boys to always remember her or know about her. I told him to look at it if he wanted and in his own time. I want him to see it but I feel like I am reminding him of what he lost. Yet, he alreayd knows what he lost and maybe he can smile at the memories the book brings to him.

I guess I could compare it to the things Jonathan says to me. When we got to the country on Friday he says, "Oh mom is Buster here?". Little guy thought maybe we just left Buster in the country. I told him no, he was still in heaven. I smiled at his sweet innocence.

Later when I told him I was going to visit grandma's grave he asked where she was. I reminded him she was in heaven. He then asked me, "Can we go and get her?". Yes that made me cry. I told him that we could not go get her but I really wished she could. It was a hard weekend for us but with each event that our family is together, the stronger we become.

Mom you would be proud...we ate dinner before 10pm every night! :-) We all know you hated the late dinners out there, so you would be happy to know it was more like 8pm! I miss you so much.

I know it is late in the day, but I hope you all took a moment to think about the loved ones that are no longer here with you.

Lovin' the bath

Don't really have much new to report here. We are just moving along. Zachary and Jonathan have the most amazing relationship that I have ever seen. It truly can bring me to tears. I have never seen a baby adore an older child as much as he has and vice versa. They just love each other so very much.

Bathtime is so much fun in our house now! Zachary sits in his tub in the big tub w/Jonathan and they just have so much fun! Z seems to sleep so much nicer on the nights he has his bath. It really wears him out...all that kicking. We should be able to remove his bandage on Tuesday. It is starting to come off on the edge but it is sticking pretty good! I think the stitches are gone now.

Now we can't wait for the pools in the summer!

Happy Mother's Day

Mom,
I miss you terribly and wish with all my heart that you were here with us. It is rainy and cold today and that is kind of how I feel inside. God mom I miss you. Thank you mom for being the wonderful Mother that you were, thank you for fighting so hard to stay here as long as you could, thank you for watching over our family, thank you for sacrificing so much for your family and thank you for loving us with all your heart and soul. Thank you mom for being my mom.

I know one day we will meet again and until that day, you will forever be in my heart!

I love you mom and Happy Mother's day!

To all the mothers in mourning, I am thinking of you and praying for peace today.

To all the mothers that are still trying to have a child, hang in there, I know the journey is hard.

To all the mothers out there, you are very important to so many people.

May everyone enjoy their day and their family and friends.

And we're home

Today's surgery was a HUGE success! My little guy was a charmer and stole the show and was once again a star patient! He truly is a hero!

His last feeding was at 1130pm last night and I had to wake him up at 5am to leave. He was all smiles. We picked up my niece Stephanie and headed to the hospital. He slept again and as they called his name he woke up and smiled. We kept telling him it was a big day! Jonathan couldn't wait for Z to get home. He knew he was getting his boo boo out and could soon take a bath with him.

We met all the nurses and anesethia team and Z charmed them all and then slept in my arms. He had to flirt with everyone there and kept smiling at them all and Stephanie. He was so good! I told the anesthesiologist (sp?) about how last time he got real hot in the recovery room so they kept him off the heating pad this time. They took him back at 715 and we were called back at 800. Once again he was the only baby and they all wanted to cuddle him. He was crying but did great. Once we got him in the room he started charming us again. It was funny b/c I told Steph that he looked like he gained 5 pounds in there. She agreed. Not sure what it was but he looked so big! He was very happy. He ate, slept and tried to chew on his IV! LOL

He got 2 disolvable stitches and they are covered w/medical tape. He had a local there and then has had some tylenol. After 24 hrs he will get a bath! I can't believe it! We then leave the tape on for 2 weeks but if it falls off sooner, no problem.

JD was at the park w/Daddy when we got home and when they returned he said, "Let me see his tummy." and he promptly said, "Oh you can take a bath with me now". And as usual, Zachary laughed. He loves his big brother!

Today was a big day for us. We may not be out of the woods but we are going to celebrate each day. Someone told one of my sisters that this baby was here for a reason and I fully believe that. I know every child is here for a reason but Zachary is going to do something.

As for Jonathan, he is currently obsessed with peeing in his play house outside and running inside naked. Did it twice tonight and was promptly sent to bed. I think his purpose is to make me laugh. I couldn't punish him b/c he was so proud and I thought it was funny. Daddy didn't think so. Oh well, someone has to be the adult here!!

Removal is scheduled...

Dr. Rob's office called today and said that Z is scheduled to have his line removed on Tuesday, May 6th at 7:30 am. I have to be there at 6am and no food after midnight. Gee this will be SO much fun!!! Luckily when he has had to go w/o food he's been a dream so let's hope it continues!!! Poor guy.

He is doing really well. My friend sent us her daughters bumbo seat and he really likes it. Yes it is pink but oh well. This was the look on his face when Jonathan woke up and walked into the room. He adores his big brother so much! We went to the local farmers market Saturday morning, Z and I, with my sister and niece. I put Z in the carrier and he was a hit. He had so much fun and all the women, of all ages, were flirting w/him and he hammed it up. It was great fun for him. He is such a good boy. We bought the boys bunk beds, courtesy of Uncle Sam, and Jonathan loves them. He has eaten dinner up there a few times. Problem is, we have no room for the crib. Now that is a serious problem. But we will fix it.

Jonathan has gotten into his finger paints and loves to paint like the whiney tv character Caillou! I really can't stand Caillou but since Jonathan loves him so, I tolerate him. He likes to paint like Caillou does and I love watching him paint.

We have a big week coming up! My dad comes home this week and I can not wait to see him. God I have missed him so much. My nephew Jim and his wife April come home this weekend. They have been stationed in Minot, ND with the Air Force for 3.5 years? Gosh it's been so long I can't even remember! They have seen Z once via web cam. They are moving back here and I can't wait. Then Jason's folks are coming to visit this weekend. Jonathan is excited to see both Grandpa's and his Grandma all in one week! I am secretly hoping to hit the farmers market again. Not sure if everyone will be up for it but we'll see.

Monday when I put Jonathan in the car he asked me where Buster was. Buster was our Sharpei that had to be put down in November, one week before Zachary arrived. He was a great dog and we loved him so much. He was going blind, deaf and then his hip went out. Jonathan will ask about him a lot and we tell him he is in heaven w/Grandma. Well this time when I told him he was in heaven, he said, "Mommy i don't want him to be in heaven. I want him here.". How do you answer that? I just told him that he was with Grandma and she was taking very good care of him. That did the trick...for now.

Anyway, here are a few pictures that I will close with.

Fantastic News!

Yesterday the nurse came and Zachary weighed in at...

13 lbs and 6 oz!!!!

Can you believe that? He gained 13 oz in one week!!! Way to grow little man!!!

That afternoon I called the oncologist to get his blood results. I asked the nurse to have him call me back to discuss long term plans. Well I of course missed his call but he left me the most wonderful message...

Jennifer Zachary's WBC was 14K and he has been very stable for a while now. All his other counts look great except his monocytes were a bit elevated at 22%. So I think we can now go to monthly counts and if we do monthly we can REMOVE HIS LINE. I am out of the office on Friday so give me a call Monday and we can set this up!

Yep that's right folks, the broviac line will soon be a thing of the past and let's just hope and pray we never have to see it again! Zachary will just get monthly blood counts done and it will be via a finger stick or heel prick. After all he has been through, this is nothing for him!

I feel like I'm in a dream and part of me is waiting for bad news to come back, but I can't do that and I won't do that. I will celebrate the good!!!!