Good Days

After my breakdown on Christmas Eve, Jason suggested we go and see my Mom's grave. He had his mom pick up some flowers for us and after all the presents were opened and the boys settled down, we headed out to the cemetery. It was muddy and Jonathan fell asleep on the way. I took Zachary up to meet her and we laid some flowers on her grave. Jason and Jonathan appeared shortly after. It was nice to let Zachary meet his grandma. It still seems so very unreal but it was a good day! The house was full of our entire family...2 nieces and 2 nephews were all that were missing (and their spouses/kids) so we had well over 50 people in the house. Wow! I am sure Mom loved seeing that. It was so crazy.

Yesterday Jonathan and I went to see my Dad. We went to the mall with him to get a new cell phone and to look around for a laptop. He of course went to Cabela's and bought him a fishing pole. It made me think of when he was in the hospital right before their anniversary party and I took Mom to see him. She said something about an item she bought (maybe a magazine) and he told her she had too many. I was only half listening and then I heard her say something about him and his fishing poles. And here he was, buying another one! We then went to Steak N Shake and it all felt so right. Usually it was Mom I went to the mall with and then we immediately figured out where we would eat at. It was our favorite thing to do. It felt so right doing those things with my Dad. I got to create new memories with my Dad and so did Jonathan.

Dad drank a strawberry shake and told us he hadn't had one in forever! He drank the entire thing. I think he was happy (and full). We headed back to his house and Jonathan and him played with his fishing pole. Again, it was a good day.

Merry Christmas

I just finished placing all the presents under the tree and realized I left my camera at my sister in laws. Bummer. But the kids (and Jason) are asleep and I'm watching the Young and the Restless. A woman on there is celebratilng her first Christmas since her Mother "died", you know she isn't really dead, but I feel that woman's pain. The pain is so fresh. Still. I thought once the firsts were over, it got easier?

Tuesday as Jonathan and I were on our way to daycare and an ambulance went flying past us and he asked me where they were going. I told him he was going to help someone who was hurt. I thought to myself, "If it isn't too late. Like it was for my mom. I hope it isn't too late for this person." That started me on missing my mom terribly, again.

Last year I obviously had my mind consumed with a new baby, a new sick baby. I remember how sick and sad little Z was. He barely ate and was so tiny and weak. I remember Christmas Day I called the pediatrician's exchange but was basically told just to wait until his appt. the next day to see what she thought. That is when our world turned upside down. I didn't have time to think about missing my mom or time to allow myself to grieve properly. I think that is why this year it finally hit me...no more Christmases with my Mom. It's like losing her all over again.

I pretty much lost it today and had my breakdown. Jonathan and Jason were very good to me. I realized what I have this year...a great husband, 2 healthy boys, a job, a house and a wonderful family and some pretty terrific friends. No I don't have my mom here but I know she is watching over me, protecting us.

Merry Christmas everyone. May your heart be light and may you find time to enjoy your holiday and forget all your cares.