Spring is coming!

Well at least I hope so. The kids really need time outside and I try to let them get out there in the evenings but I don't feel too bad if we don't make it out because I know they are outside at school. Thank goodness!

I have let them eat dinner outside a few times and they love it. Our backyard needs a huge spring cleaning so for now, we play in the front. They love bubbles, sidewalk chalk and popsicles. If life could stay that simple forever, what life we would have!

Jonathan starts T-ball on the 29th and I am so nervous. He is excited so I am trying to run with that. He is really just becoming such a big guy. He adores his brother, has good manners and can be so polite and can talk your ear off! Then if he gets tired, all of that goes out the window. He is now loving school and is doing so good. I see improvements in his writing and the things he is learning...wow! I can't believe my baby is getting so big.

Zachary is moving along. He's got this little budda belly so most of his shirts are starting to get too small but then his pants, are just so long on him and quite often Jonathan and I will sing, "Pants on the ground" to him. He is trying to learn his colors and go potty on the big potty. His speech has taken off. His motor skills are coming along too. We are working on jumping and he loves this. He will say, "hop" and take your hand and hop and both feet come off the ground! He still has not mastered the steps but is trying so hard. His little head is full of knots from his daily falls and his tantrums where he headbutts stuff...one day he'll learn that that hurts and he'll stop, right? He loves school too and he loves books. He will bring books to me and say, "read" and this is all new to me so I am loving it. In April we will meet with his First Steps team, a representative from the special school district and from our school district to determine how we will handle his needs when he turns 3. He will graduate from First Steps and the SSD will take on his needs, if he should need any therapies.

As for sleep, we have none. Jason and I figured out that he sleeps good the first 3 or 4 hours and then he is up every 1-2 hours crying, screaming and hitting. It is miserable and April 15th can not come soon enough. We see his geneticist who is now a behavioral development pediatrician and she is going to discuss a sleep study and all sorts of stuff. Everyone is puzzled as to why he does this when he is in bed with us! He searches for my face and cups my face or will ask for my hand and he is awake because he will talk to me. It is truly exhuasting and is taking it's toll on our family so it is time for us to get some help.

And here is a recent picture of the boys outside...

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mom's birthday. I miss her terribly and wish she was here. I know she is pain free and watching all of us from above. Yet, it still hurts.

This morning the boys and I said (well Jonathan yelled) "Happy birthday Grandma!" and blew kisses up to heaven. We know she got them.

Then I took the boys to school, did some laundry and cleaning, registered Jonathan for kindergarten (gasp!), went to the grave site with my sisters and then had lunch at the Blue Owl. It was a beautiful warm sunny day and we ALL got along! It was perfect and I was sad for it to end. Mom would have enjoyed it.

The boys are doing well. Zachary goes to see the Pediatric behavioral development doctor on April 15th. She is going to discuss his sleep issues and possible order a sleep study for him. She is his geneticist so she will obviously know his history and have experience with Noonan Syndrome. I adore her and can't wait to see her and see what advice she has for us. Zachary is going through a "mean" stage...hitting, biting and such. Oh joy! He had his orthotics adjusted as he was getting a sore spot on his right foot. His speech is coming along and we are still working on the steps. That is going to be a long time before we get there!!! But he has come this far and overcome so many obstacles, I know he will catch up and do great.

St. John's Mercy Medical Center, where he had his surgeries for the broviac line and where he was for 2 weeks was asking for stories for their new Children's hospital's website. I submitted Z's and it is now on there site. Click here to read it. Although if you've read my blog, you already know his story. I got an email 2 days ago and they want me to come in and record an audio version of his story. I am more than happy to do it because I want the world to know how great of a hospital SJMMC is! I hope one day I can pay it forward and help the hospital out.

Well Mom, I hope you ate lots of cake! Love you always!

Why

The last few weeks have been rough. Not a "feel sorry for me" rough, just rough. The toll of Zachary not sleeping is really catching up with me. It has causes a lot of tension in the house and a lot of crankiness. Winter itself has been depressing this year. Money has been tight. Sicknesses have been less but when they came, they hit hard.

All this "roughness" has caused me to question why I was blessed with these 2 wonderful boys. I don't feel worthy. I am not patient and sometimes I am not kind. I yell and scream and I do that a lot. I love my two boys with all my heart and would die for them. I am so blessed, I am so lucky and no matter how rough things get, I am happy. I just wish I felt like a better person, mother, wife and friend.

No worries, I am not "in a bad place" and I don't really feel sorry for myself. I am just tired. Some days I cry from exhaustion and some days I eat to keep from falling asleep. I use food as my source of comfort and that is so wrong. I want my boy to sleep. I want my family to sleep. I want to be the best that I can be because those two little boys in the other room deserve the best. This Mommy gig is so hard and I am sick of the "stepford" mom's making it look easy. Let's get real here!

The one thing I have learned since I became a Mother is the simple fact that you do lose yourself and you forget to take care of yourself. I think when a woman becomes a Mother, there needs to be a book on this issue. I know so many other women who would make better Mother's than me. God chose me for a reason and my children are with me for a reason. I know they make me a better person but I just hope and pray that I am doing some good for them. I see them picking up my bad habits and it is so hard to see your sweet child pick up your worst traits. No baby raising books prepare you for that! It is a huge slap in the face. I am so far from perfect and my parenting ways are so very far from perfect.

As my sister told me, I am doing the best I can the best way I know how. I just hope it is enough. I hope if I live to be 80, my boys still love me enough to come visit me. They really are worth it and I think when we all learn to sleep, life in our home will be much better!

In like a Lion?

Well not sure if it is a lion but it has been a tough week and I just blame it on the old saying that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

As a child I hated March! When my Mom told me that March came in like a lion, I hated March at that moment. Well, I really hated tornadoes and March is when we seemed to get them the most. I loved the Wizard of Oz and I think from that movie came my disgust/fear of tornadoes. I did not want to be swept away by a tornado. That was my biggest fear growing up. My sister (yes you Debbie) use to tease me because I cried almost every time the wind blew. I mean I really feared tornadoes.

Every time March came around, I counted down until the end of the month so I could embrace the lamb part of the month.

On Monday I learned that our family doctor just left the practice! My beloved Dr. Kate is gone and I felt like I was left hanging in the wind. Who was going to calm me down when I freaked out about all of Z's issues? So I decided to email his geneticist to find out of she could refer someone too me and to ask her questions about his sleep issues. I get an email back telling me she is no longer practicing genetics. OMG are you serious? We lost 2 doctors in 3 days??? Well the good news is that she still sees kids with genetic disorders and hinted that she would like to see Z so she could refer him for a sleep study. Okay that made me feel better!

I also discovered Dave Ramsey and am eager to start his total money makeover plan! Our first step is to create our emergency fund of $1000. Oh.Dear.God. I figure by 2012 we will be there...hoping that isn't true! I made a list of ALL our debts and included the medical as he suggested. It's a long list and that made me sad but I know what we are up against and we are going to knock it out one creditor at a time. I dream of the day that I have no debt and I can give to people and help others out. That is my goal!

Dave says...Debt is Dumb!