Why

The last few weeks have been rough. Not a "feel sorry for me" rough, just rough. The toll of Zachary not sleeping is really catching up with me. It has causes a lot of tension in the house and a lot of crankiness. Winter itself has been depressing this year. Money has been tight. Sicknesses have been less but when they came, they hit hard.

All this "roughness" has caused me to question why I was blessed with these 2 wonderful boys. I don't feel worthy. I am not patient and sometimes I am not kind. I yell and scream and I do that a lot. I love my two boys with all my heart and would die for them. I am so blessed, I am so lucky and no matter how rough things get, I am happy. I just wish I felt like a better person, mother, wife and friend.

No worries, I am not "in a bad place" and I don't really feel sorry for myself. I am just tired. Some days I cry from exhaustion and some days I eat to keep from falling asleep. I use food as my source of comfort and that is so wrong. I want my boy to sleep. I want my family to sleep. I want to be the best that I can be because those two little boys in the other room deserve the best. This Mommy gig is so hard and I am sick of the "stepford" mom's making it look easy. Let's get real here!

The one thing I have learned since I became a Mother is the simple fact that you do lose yourself and you forget to take care of yourself. I think when a woman becomes a Mother, there needs to be a book on this issue. I know so many other women who would make better Mother's than me. God chose me for a reason and my children are with me for a reason. I know they make me a better person but I just hope and pray that I am doing some good for them. I see them picking up my bad habits and it is so hard to see your sweet child pick up your worst traits. No baby raising books prepare you for that! It is a huge slap in the face. I am so far from perfect and my parenting ways are so very far from perfect.

As my sister told me, I am doing the best I can the best way I know how. I just hope it is enough. I hope if I live to be 80, my boys still love me enough to come visit me. They really are worth it and I think when we all learn to sleep, life in our home will be much better!