Well over the weekend and on Monday I started to get a bit worried about Z. He was vomitting, not eating much and his soft spot was sunken in. So on Tuesday I made my way to Dr. Kate's office. As we were waiting Z had one of his reflux coughing fits and 3 of the nurses came out to see him. "We have Baby Radar" and Z just lit up and flirted with all of them. Everyone commented on him and of course the staff "knows" about him. They are all so wonderful there.
Zachary is up to 15lbs and 1 oz! His soft spot was a concern but she said that since he was drooling so much, he was not dehydrated to the point we needed to treat it. If the drooling stopped, appetite decreased or he tossed his cookies, well formula, any more then we are suppose to give him Pedialyte. She assured me his cough was his reflux cough. I really did know that but these days all I do is second guess myself.
He goes for his VCU catheter test thing on Monday. Boy this should be fun. I am already queasy thinking about it. Really he is doing so well and if I could stop worrying, I'd see that. He adores Jonathan. When i put them to bed I often find Jonathan in Z's crib and they are playing. It is the cutest thing.
We are trying to find preschool for Jonathan. i don't think the school district program will work b/c of the hours. I will find something in time. I just want him to go somewhere a few hours where he doesn't know anyone so he can adjust to that for when kindergarten comes along.
As for me, I'm beginning to realize that I haven't taken time to take care of myself and my feelings. I don't think I've ever truly grieved for my Mom. I mean when she died I was very pregnant, had Z, Z got sick and my life was consumed on carrying for him and worrying about him. I'm angry and sad a lot more these days. I hate that my mom is gone and Z will never meet her. Jonathan talks about her quite a bit and will ask if we can go to heaven to get her. I pray to have dreams where I talk to her. I don't want to be angry and sad so I have to take some time for me and allow myself to cry and feel all the emotions that I feel. I can't take care of everyone and everything else and ignore myself. That's my new goal, each day do one thing for me and not feel guilty! Don't we all deserve that?
1 comment:
You TOTALLY deserve to look after yourself, Jen. You've been going full steam for months and months, and you absolutely have to step back and look after yourself.
I've done the same thing as you - shoved off or ignored grief - but it has a way of finding you, no matter how hard you hide. You're right about needing to allow yourself to feel all the things you haven't had time to feel and process since your Mom died. You're very wise.
Lots of huge (((((HUGS)))))) to you, my friend.
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