Z had his GI appt and it did not go as I had planned. I want to say we are just being cautious and I am being paranoid but with his history I'm not too confident that this is just a mom and doctor being cautious.
First, Z was at 10lbs so this was good. However, for 2 or 3 days he has gotten his croup-like cough/bark back and that brings back so many memories for me. It would come about when he ate and at least he is eating like a champ. So I figured we just needed to up his reflux medicine. I did read in one of my journals at work that GERD can mimic a croup like cough so this made me feel better. But as I got Z out of the car I noticed lots of green goop in his eye...not good! The doc says his lungs sound clear but as he finished eating she said the cough/breathing did sound "gunky" and he was breathing hard. Well 5 minutes later he is laughing and cooing and relaxed. She upped his dose of pepcid and said we may have to try a new med for this.
Then she tells me she can feel the tip of his spleen. Well shit! I know that an enlarged liver and spleen are part of JMML but she said his liver is fine and an enlarged spleen can also mean he is fighting off a virus but given his history she wants it checked. We all know what I was thinking. We are back on the roller coaster and I would love to get off this ride and resume normal life, ok?
Tomorrow we see the pediatrician for a second listen and opinion. Then he has to have an abdominal ultrasound to measure his spleen. Maybe it grew along w/him and this is normal for him...let's hope. Everyone says to follow your mommy gut. Well when he got sick around Christmas I knew deep down something wasn't right but after 2 ER trips and like 5 docs listening to his lungs and saying they were clear, I tried to push that fear out of my mind. It was the pediatrician that said, "what is your gut saying?" and when I said, "Something is wrong" that is when she sent me to the hospital with Z and this ride began. I am trying to listen to my gut now but I am also trying to tune it out. I feel like something just is not right and I just want answers.
My Mom's birthday is approaching and I am thinking about her a lot these days and missing her terribly. Today I cracked. I don't want to be strong any more. I love my family and friends for supporting me and telling me I'm strong but right now, I don't want to be. I want to take my boys and run away with them and I want my mom to go with us. I want her here with me and I want her to hold my baby boy and see his precious smile. I want to feel her arms around me or hear her say, "Oh shit" in only the way she can when she sees something that she thinks is wrong.
I want off this stupid ride that I did not ask to be on. I want answers for my son and I want to make him better and I don't want to be strong anymore. As Mom always said, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Well I don't think he knows me very well b/c I use to believe that but today, I think I reached my limit and I don't want to see how much more I can handle. I've had enough, thank you very much!
4 comments:
oh Jennifer (((Hugs)))
We sure wish there was something we could do. We love you and Z and are praying for you.
It's ok if you don't feel strong. There's nothing wrong with that or with you; you're going through a rough ride. I think that real strength is feeling like you can't take it anymore, feeling and expressing those feelings, and going on with day-to-day life. You are doing all of that, and we're proud of you.
Many hugs...what a crappy day. Hopefully you can take a moment to cuddle up with J and Z and forget about everything else for a few minutes.
I think Supergirl is so right and I can't say it any better than she did. You are demonstrating incredible strength and courage even if you don't feel like you have an ounce of either.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
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